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Mar31
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A middle-aged man bought a new Wilson Tennis Racquet
At one point, the ball rolls into some bushes and he goes in to fetch the ball.
There he is confronted by a frog claiming to be a beautiful princess who has been
turned into a frog by a mischievous wizard. If he will kiss her, the frog assures him, she will revert to her natural princess state and marry him, and they'll both live happily ever after.
The player pockets the frog and returns to the game.
After a bit, the frog, still inside the player's pocket croaks, "Sir, did you forget about me? I'm this beautiful princess, turned into a frog, if you kiss me . . ." and so forth.
To which she receives the reply, "Dear lady frog, I will be completely honest with you. I have reached the age at which I would rather have a talking frog than a new wife."
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Mar31
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A police officer who was sitting in his car at a stop sign, watched a man roll through the intersection without stopping. After pulling the man over and checking his license and registration, the man, turned on the 'cool' act....
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The other day I saw an older man opening the car door of his super shiny BMW Two things went through my wife. Either the wife is new or the car is new....
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Philip Morris decided to do its part to educate smokers. From now in place of the Surgeon General's warning they will place the following: Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking....
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Edwin Drake was trying to enlist workers to his project to drill for oil in 1859. The response he got was: "Drill for oil!? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're Do you think Exxon...
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Mar30
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A man walked into a CESSNA airplane school. It should have been the school that trained the highjackers, but, alas, it was different. On this particular day the school was having a fair and giving free rides to a visitors....
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A man decided that he was going to ride his Mongoose cross country bike from Phoenix to LA. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains justbecame too much and he could go no farther. He stuck...
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A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the oldergirls who were starting to use lipstick. Mary Kay was their favorite. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the...
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A man was driving along the highway and saw a large rabbit hopping acrossthe middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting it, but unfortunatelythe rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver,...
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Nabisco offered the following advice on one of their cracker boxes. "Argue not with dragons, for thou art crunchy and go with with cheese on crackers." That reminds me of the time a missionary (Mormon?) was eaten by a couple...
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After the first flight of the Boeing 247, at twin engine plane that holds ten people, a Boeing engineer said with authority: "There will never be a bigger plane built." It seems he was right...here is a Boeing 247 alongside a...
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Mar29
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A man put an ad in the Classifieds for a wife. The next day, he received more than one hundred replies. They all said the same thing, "You can have mine."...
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Thinking about changing your job? I read today that it doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss....
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The Chairman of Marathon oil was out jogging one day and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river. (Perhaps he slipped on an oil spill) Three boys who were playing alongside the river saw what happened and without a...
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There was a certain oil company CEO who had a heart attack. When he awoke, he found a preacher staring him in the face. After the CEO listened politely to the preacher for over a half hour about how thankful...
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The CEO of General Electric went to a Chinese restaraunt. After dinner he received a fortune cookie with this bit of wisdom - "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear to be bright until you hear them...
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August 2, 1968. Business Week wrote: "With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market." Tell that to Toyota, Honda, Nissan and Mitsubishi Hey!...
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Mar28
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A Northern California lumberjack managed to save enough money to send his only son to college. The young man had helped his father and knew how hard he worked. Upon graduation, the son vowed to buy his father a present...
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A man got a new set of Titlelist golf clubs from his wife for his birthday. He invited her to go golfing with him so he could try them out. As she was about to tee off, she turned to...
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I stopped by an AVON for men at the local MACY's . The girl went back behind the counter and dug in deep to a drawer to get something to show me. The pamphlet said 1. Want to improve your...
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"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." This...
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A man called IBM customer service and kept the young lady on the phone for about an hour. Finally, he was so exasperated he cried out, "Can you tell me what is wrong with this thing?" The young agent replied...
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Mar27
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It seems that University of Phoenix is offering a new degree. The major is called MARRIAGE. When finished any man will lose his Bachelor's degree and any women will get her Masters....
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A man walked into Kaiser Permanente wearing a tuxedo. When he was asked why he went there, he replied, "I came to, uh, get my pipes cut." "You mean you are going to get a vasectomy?" "Yep, but I don't...
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This old couple went into DENNY'S . The old cantakerous woman who could almost never be pleased asked her husband to order two eggs and buttered toast while she made a pit stop. He wasn't too happy about being given...
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Spock: Captain Kirk, where are we going now? Kirk: To poldly bow air mobius gumby four....
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Lord Kelvin an English Scientist in 1899 made these predicitons. Radio has no future....Strike one. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible....strike two. X-rays will prove to be a hoax.....strike three. No! We are not playing soccer!...
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Mar24
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Despite having just purchased my new Wilson Sports T5 tennis racquet, my partner and I got creamed terribly. As for my part, I put in a pretty miserable performance. We walked to a nearby umbrella table and sat down. Trying...
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Two women overheard the Delta pilots talking as they walked toward the cockpit. First pilot: This plane is really fast. We should be in Tokyo in no time. Second pilot: I understand this will be the quickest we every got...
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f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmg....
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Lee De Forest was an inventor. He also seemed to have tremendous insight into potential gadgets. "While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility." 70 inches diagonally and useless....dang!...
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Mar23
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In the Navy, I worked as the Communications Officer on a submarine chaser. In my division were the satellite communications and visual communications - radiomen, signalmen and such. We were conducting night gunnery ops and I was eager to make...
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On that same flight, (My secretary decided to travel with her clothes on) ..... There was an elderly woman, who perhaps wasn't there on business but somehow got ticketed on the same plane. She kept peering out the window. And...
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My secretary and I were at the airport about to check in on a small commuter airline. By tradition, perhaps, more than necessity they asked us our weight to determine flight load. The ticket agent asked my secretary her exact...
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Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse. SKYDIVING/ If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. If you make it IDIOT proof, someone will make a better idiot. ...
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Not everyone who knows..knows. It is harder to get a higher ranking and still be in the Navy...but the US Secretary of NAVY assure the President and everyone else concerned.... "No matter what happens, the US Navy is not going...
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Mar22
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Bob wanted a promotion but he had a terrible stuttering problem. Everytime he tried to talk to the boss, he got even more tongue tied. Finally he started to see a therapist. He was told that he needed to do...
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and on the same day, he and his wife celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. To celebrate, the couple decided to return to their honeymoon hotel. After retiring, a different retiring than the first one I mentioned, the wife said, "Darling,...
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Before that donkey was blind he used to be cross eyed. The Mexican farmer took the donkey out in the field to work. And goodness knows, donkeys like to work if you can get them to do it. Then one...
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The farmer, who was a relatively new immigrant from Mexico, tried to explain to Kenny before he bought the donkey, "The donkey...he no look so good." Undeterred, Kenny raised his initial offering of $50 to $75. The farmer replied, "No, sir. He no...
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Where was I? Irving Fisher was professor of Economics at Yale University when he announced "Stocks have reached a permanently high plateau." The year was 1929. I guess I missed it....
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A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied,...
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Mar21
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That same back woods CEO and his runner were called to NYC to make a deal. They had never been there before and had never seen buildings that were more than 2 stories. As they walked through the lobby of...
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There was a large PC company that was entertaining a group from southeast Asia. Actually, the group was from way back in the bushes in southeast Asia. The CEO of the SE Asia company, trying to impress his American counterpart,...
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The executive left the building for the last time feeling pretty chipper AND richer, for having received a sizable payout. Walking down the street, she heard a voice. "You are going to live to be 100 years old!" "God, is that...
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Well, actually, it was the preacher... There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he got, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. On one particular Sunday it turned out to be a...
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Suppose this guy was on the board of Boeing or Airbus. Marechal Fedinand Fock, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superierure de Guerre "Airplanes are interesting toys, but they are of no military value whatsoever." Boom!...
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Mar20
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There was a man sitting at his desk at work. Just as he was about to nod off, a genie appeared. The Genie said, "I will grant you three wishes. But there is one condition. Whatever I give you, your...
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When I was in the Navy, I trained to work in Explosive Ordinance Disposal. That meant I was to get rid of bombs. At graduation they gave me a T-shirt and told me I could wear it when I got a job as a civilian....
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A boss was doing his best to think of something good to say about a certain employee but kept coming up blank. Finally, he decided to let his comments fly... "This employee is so dumb, the stork that brought him...
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Admiral Leahy was the U.S. Atomic Bomb project's resident expert. He weighed in with his opinion - "The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." Dang it! We should have listened....
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There were a few comments exchanged on my The Rich Are Different . It reminded me of when I was in Russia in the late '80s. This was right at the time when Gorbachev announced glasnost - opening of Russia....
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Mar17
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The boss was asked to give an evaluation of one of his less than stellar performers. "That employee has so many things on his mind, there's no room for any brains." Nah, he can't be that bad. "Yes, he is....
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It seems the other day my boss realized he was out of money big time. Not knowing what to do, he decided to pray. "God, what is a hundred million years seem like to you?" God replied, "That's like a...
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The professional cowboy, (I actually met one of these guys yesterday) finally decided to leave his horse and expand his horizons a bit by going on a safari. While deep in the woods, he came upon a young woman who was nakeder...
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Tom Watson, not the golfer, was chairman of the board of IBM. He weighed in his opinion on mass marketing PCs. "I think there's a world market for about five computers." Gee, Tom, then how would I do my job?...
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Mar16
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Heard any good jokes, lately? This is a brilliant idea by Career Builder . Why didn't I think of this?...
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A man got fired for tipping too many at happy hour, again. On his way home very late that night a policeman stopped him for obvious drunken driving. However, since the guy had a clean record, the cop had him...
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My boss told me that I won the award for the best worker. And for my efforts he was rewarding me with a 21 day trip around the world! He said at first I would fly from San Francisco to Tokyo....
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My secretary is so old and so ugly... How old and ugly is she? Well, sometimes people think she is my mom. The other day, she and I went on a business trip and were checking into a hotel....of course,...
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Well, at first I didn't think my boss liked me. But then I thought he did. What changed my mind was that he told me that he signed me up for a bridge club. I thought that was really nice, but...
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J. Paul Getty was once asked to confirm whether or not he was worth over a billion dollars. It seems that Getty thought about it for a moment and then replied, "Yes, I suppose it is true, but a billion...
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Nearly every day I am reminded of what this expert told this young man. "We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet." This was Hewlett Packard's excuse for not hiring Steve Jobs. Apple HQ now sits on the...
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Mar15
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The Boss started shouting at Craig, "Can you get that server up and running now?! Hurry up!" Then he took a couple of steps and shouted into another room, "Hurry up, Lewis! We need to get that up and running!"...
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How stupid is he? Is what you are supposed to say. My boss is so stupid that if he went up to the tenth floor to jump off, I'd send a priest up with clear instructions to say, "On your...
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It seems they had a great idea for a movie. It might be a little bit long and need an intermission, but what the hey? Get me that star! Gary Cooper replied, "I'm glad it'll me Clark Gable who's falling...
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Mar14
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One time there were these three new workers, two were digging a ditch, while the third stood over them as the official supervisor. After a while, one of the diggers said to the other, "Azar, why is it we'uns doin' the diggin' while he's...
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A fair haired young man was hired to paint lines on the side of the road. He was pretty happy about having a job and went about it earnestly. The foreman noticed that he had a strong desire to do...
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Everyday a man walked to work. On his way he saw three fellows working hard at planting trees. One guy dug a hole, another put a tree in it and the third filled the hole. One day he noticed that...
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I like cookies. Do you like cookies? What is the number one cookie sold in the WORLD? OREO gets the nod. Well, somebody had to try something different. But...the experts told her "Market research reports say America like crispy cookies,...
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Mar13
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The boss decided to take his strawberry blonde (doesn' t taste as good as it looks) on a business trip with him to NYC. As they were checking in, the secretary noticed the sign by the hotel restaurant. Breakfast 6-10am....
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A man lost his job and went into a bar and ordered a drink. Thebartender looked at him and said: "Nah, I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money and I just...
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A businessman was worshipping in church one Sunday morning when, don't you know it, the devil showed up. Whoa! People went everywhere...out the back door, through the windows...even the preacher, practically walked on water making his way through the bapistry and...
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If I didn't know any better, I at least hope I would be smart enough to surround myself with people who did know...the experts if you will. In the coming days I want to share with you a few of...
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Mar10
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