In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
Is there a disease called 'men,' too?
Business humor and jokes, including humorous stories, experiences, and articles |
« April 2006 | Main | June 2006 »
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May31
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May31
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To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers: "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.'' ---- This gem of double meaning is the creation of Robert Thornton, a professor of economics...
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Jim Senegal is CEO of Costco. "It costs a lot of money for us to make our places look cheap." I wonder if I could get him to design my condo...or maybe just put up the money for it....
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How can you tell if a Redneck has been working on your PC? 1. The monitor is up on blocks. 2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 3. The four front keys have rotted out. ...
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You know your boss is a redneck if... His richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off. He has ever used lard in bed. He thinks potted meat on a saltine is an...
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May30
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To describe a person who is totally inept: "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.'' ---- This gem of double meaning is the creation of Robert Thornton, a professor of economics at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA. Thornton was...
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In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. But, what if someone wants to feed the guard to the animal?...
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Robert Orben was the speechwriter for President Gerald Ford. On whether he should go to work or not, he said - "Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of richest people in America. If 'm not...
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... WINDOW: Place in the truck to hang yer guns. WINDOW: Also what ya roll down when...
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May29
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# 1 Best Caddy Comment Lewis: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir." Bill: "And that also explains why Lewis needs a hair cut now when he didn't...
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From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. And if you don't control yourself, then we will put you in...
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Sometimes you might be called upon for an opinion of a friend who is extremely lazy. You don't want to lie --- but you also don't want to risk losing even a lazy friend. Try this line: ``In my opinion,''...
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Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy explained their company's relaxed office attire dress code. "Our dress code is, you must dress." Wait, I saw some people walking in their naked the other day....
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10· If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you knowit's going to lead to their life story ....... You need to pray at work. Did I tell you about the time when...
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... SUPERCONDUCTOR: Amtrak's Employee of the year. SCSI: What ya call your week-old underwear. WARM BOOT: What...
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May26
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# 2 Lewis: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." Bill: "When they entered the mall it should have been a clue, but...." --- I never met...
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In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. But, they are welcome to have them in the laundry room....
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9· If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping or flatteningsomeone's tires that you work with...... You need to pray at work. Whew, I'm glad that one has tires in it...I thought about doing those things to a...
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David Darst was vice president of Goldman Sachs. His comment explained the futility of trying to predict which companies would survive a recession - "You can't tell who's swimming naked until after the tide goes out." I did that once...
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... SCREEN SAVER: Repair kit fer the torn winder screen. It's also the paint ya put on...
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May25
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# 3 Lewis: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day." Bill: "I wonder if that caddy's name is Nathan." ---- I never met a businessman...
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On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. Wasn't that the hotel where Gorbachev had Reagan stay when he went there?...
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CEO Helmut Maucher explained his criteria for hiring at Nestle's (did anybody besides me sing that?). "We needed the single-mindedness of people who thinks about chocolate 24 hours a day." Dang! And they didn't hire me!...
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8· When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "sorry a## M#$^er %F%&#ers"........ You need to pray at work....
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... REBOOT: What ya do when the first pair gits covered with barnyard stuff. ROM: Delicious when...
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May24
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# 4 Lewis: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf." Bill: "I heard Lewis once game upon a naked girl in some deep brush where he was looking for a ball. He...
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... CRASH: When ya go to Bubba's party uninvited. CURSOR: What some guys do when they're mad...
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7· When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, and you say "that lazy b*&%$#"...... You need to pray at...
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I think this guy set the record for the most 'ch's in one name. He used to work for the East Germans as a secret policeman. Now he's a stock broker. "As a Stasi agent, I learned how to sell...
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... PROMPT: What you wish the mail were. RAM: What ya drive if ya aint a Ford...
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May23
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# 5 Lewis: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." Bill: "I reckon he is trying to find out which way is east to...
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6· When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of you can kiss my a@@!!s.... You need to pray at work. Missing letters -...
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On the menu of a Polish hotel: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE: LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION." ...
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I find many stupid business quotes in The Book of Truly Stupid Business Quotes. The chapter on stupid business quotes that relate to the federal government were, by chance?....in Chapter 11. I hope this book is not also a book of...
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... NEWSGROUP: When the wives git together an gossip at the Widder Hawkins' place. OFFLINE: When the...
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May22
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# 8 Lewis: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now." Bill: "I knew this game was played with a ball. I have been waiting for that guy to throw it at...
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... MOTHERBOARD: What Mama gets when she ain't got a boyfriend. MOUSE: Fuzzy, soft thang ya stuff...
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· When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the hel*& does she want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk......... You need to pray at work. Missing...
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From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. And if that...
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The IRS has been saying this now for how long? "We know this looks like it might be complicated," Arthur Altman, an IRS official said in 1986 when he explained the 'simplified tax form. Yea, and it has gotten more...
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May19
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... MEGAHERTZ: How yer head feels after 17 beers. MICRO CHIP: What's left in the bag when...
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You know you're an engineer.... If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate. If you and your son built a tv from scratch just for fun. If you're mad because this list didn't...
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Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: "Would you like to ride on your own ass?" If not, I wonder if they will rent one of their's out?...
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When Lloyd's of London ran into financial trouble, Clive Francis, a land baron in Britain explained the impact it had on him - "I used to own two airplanes. Now, I own a bicycle." I used to own a bicycle,...
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May18
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Joseph Brooks was CEO of Ann Taylor. "It takes geniuses to build businesses and idiots to ruin them." After that Ann Taylor took a dive. But then when they rang up my wife's purchases yesterday, they were back in the...
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Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well speaking - Here speeching American I had to look this up. Majorca is one of the islands of the coast of Spain in the Mediterranean Sea. Wow,...
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... MAC: Big Bubba's favorite fast food. MAIN FRAME: The part of the roof that holds the...
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# 6 Lewis: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence." Bill: :And if I were there, we'd be able to solve the Da...
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You know you're an engineer.... If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage. If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory....
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4· When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "well at my last office...," and you want to throw a stapler at him...... You need to pray at work. Okay, I confess....
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May17
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A man was driving along when he saw a bunch of bikini-clad girls waving a sign TOPLESS CAR WASH I know this is a joke site and all things are suspect....I didn't believe it either...but here's the link with a...
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Bill Clinton is credited with saying: "Being president is like running a cemetery, you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening." Well, it sure is better to be the president in this case, isn't it?...
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... LASER: Someone less ambitious than you. LINE IN: Whatcha do when you go fishin' LOG ON:...
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# 7 Lewis: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually." Bill: "How about trying a golf cart?" --- I never met a businessman who didn't play golf. Thank goodness I am a writer and...
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In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. And it's especially bad because all of those bags are on thesame airplane when they do it....
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You know you're an engineer.... If you spend more on your home computer than your car. If you know what http:/ stands for. If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio....
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3· When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which one of you sons of bi*c^%$# turned off my computer?"..... You need to pray at work. The missing letters in this word were "s" and "uit"....
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May16
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the keys to the John Deere. LAN: To borrow as in, "Hey...
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In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. But, they do have a special on yellow snow....
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2· When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work. The missing letters in this word are "urr". What were you thinking?...
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# 9 Lewis: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 80 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." Bill: "Our father who art in heaven ..." --- I never met a businessman who didn't...
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You know you're an engineer.... If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life. If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers. If you think that when people around you yawn, it's...
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Who you gonna believe? George Bernard Shaw once said: "If all the economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion." I said that once, too...but nobody listened to me because I'm not George....
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May15
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1. When.... a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the s#@t! out of her"... You need to pray at work. The missing letters above are 'no'....
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CEO Thomas Theobald of Continental Bank had this to say about competition: "I really believe our ultimate competitive advantage is the fact that we went broke." Huh!? I'm glad he wasn't on my team....
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... HARD DRIVE: Tryin to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a...
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In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. Was this agency set up next to an infertility clinic by chance?...
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# 10 Lewis: "I Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Do you think you can keep your head down that long?" Bill: "Did you just see Michelle Wie walk by. I wish I were 17 again."...
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You know you're an engineer.... If you did the sound system for your senior prom. If your checkbook always balances. If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone....
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May12
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... HARD DRIVE: Tryin to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a...
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Gert Boyle was selected as one of America's top businesswomen when she headed Columbia Sportswear. Her motto: "Early to Bed, early to rise, work like hell and advertise." Of course, it was the dead poet's society group in the southern...
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In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. And everyone else in Rome can have a good time, too, unless that is...well, some people are better off covered up....
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You know you're an engineer.... If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting. If people groan at the party when you pick out the music. If you can't remember where you parked your car...
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May11
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Sam Walton was asked why he drove a pick-up truck. "What am I supposed to haul my dogs around in, a Rolls-Royce?" Yea, and all that money won't fit in the trunk of a Honda Civic either, will it?...
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... FLOPPY: When ya run out of Polygrip. HACKER: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking. HARD...
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In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. And the Presbyterians are called upon to insert enemas....
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You know you're an engineer.... If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for. If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens...
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Here are three final ways Microsoft would change the auto business - 7. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car98 or CarXP -- but then you would have to buy ten...
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May10
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... DOUBLE CLICK: When the dang gun don't far when ya pull the trigger. ENTER: Northern for...
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Now I am officially discouraged. Someone else beat me to this idea - a machine that offers 25 fishing worms for a buck. Tom Sziszak had this to say: "I think I am filling a niche no one else has...
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In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite gender in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In that way, the clerks can be entertained, too....
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You know you're an engineer.... If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it. If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary. If you have...
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Here are three more ways Microsoft would change the auto industry - 4. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light. 5. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered,...
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May 9
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Here are three ways Microsoft would change the Auto Business - 1. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size. 2. Everyone would have to switch to Microsoft Gas. 3. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all...
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... DISKETTE: A female Disco dancer. DOS: Redneck shorthand for: "Dont' own Squat" DOT MATRIX: One of...
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Ever since I saw the movie Quicksilver with Kevin Costner I thought it would be cool to own a cart in downtown anywhere. Bart Wilson, president of Caraveli Coffees Inc. said this about operating a Seattle espresso cart: "If you...
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A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different gender, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for...
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You know you're an engineer.... If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name. If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work. If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight....
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Next time you want to dispense some wisdom at happy hour tell your mates - Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... There are 3 kinds of people:...
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May 8
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Two engineers went an an archeological dig. One day they were exploring a remote mountain in Tibet and they came across ahuge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down...
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A man couldn't get a job for one reason or another. His wife, thinking something was wrong, sent him to a doctor. ''Doc," said the man, ''If there is anything wrong with me, don`t frighten me half to death by...
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David Coursey of P.C. Letter had this to say about Microsoft's Bill Gates - "Bill has tried to become more charming, but it's sort of like Dan Rather trying to be cuddlier." So, I guess I shouldn't take Bill home...
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From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. So, I guess we can't blame that on Lenin or Stalin, eh?...
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You know you're an engineer.... If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind. If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are. If you rotate...
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Buying a new PC or MAC? Here is the computer sales jargon you need to know w/translation. SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED - Does things we can't explain LATEST AER0SPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of our...
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May 5
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In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. And then they will measured for a pine box to wear their new suit in . ...
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... COLD BOOT: How yer boots are in winter when ya first put em on. COMPUTER TERMINAL:...
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You know you're an engineer.... If you see a good design and still have to change it. If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions. If you still own a slide rule and you know how...
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A woman went into business offering seminars for men. Here are some of the course offerings: 31. The Attainable Goal - Omitting !@#$&$ From Your Vocabulary 32. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked...
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George had this to say about himself, "When you become a businessman you become stagnant in some ways. You don't do as many of the exciting and dangerous things you used to do. It was skydiving or this." Now, I'd...
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Buying a new PC or MAC? Here is the computer sales jargon you need to know w/translation. CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most airports UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS...
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May 4
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Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. Is that day-time walking or night-time walking?...
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... CACHE: Needed when ya run out of food stamps. CHIP: Pasture muffins that ya try not...
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You know you're an engineer.... If you truly believe aliens are living among us. If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"....
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A woman went into business offering seminars for men. Here are some of the course offerings: 28. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver 29. Male Bonding - Leaving your Friends at Home 30. Fluffing the Blankets...
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Buying a new PC or MAC? Here is the computer sales jargon you need to know w/translation. SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE - When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound NEW GENERATION - Old design failed, mabey this one will work MIL-SPEC...
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"My only complaint about having a father in fashion is that every tjme I'm about to go to bed with a guy I have to look at my dad's name all over his underwear," Marci said. Okay, just how many...
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May 3
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Buying a new PC or MAC? Here is the computer sales jargon you need to know w/translation. ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavy as Hell! BROADCAST QUALITY - Gives a picture and produces noise HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long...
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"Over a long weekend, I could teach my dog to be an investment banker," Herb Allen said. I guess I won't be going to him for business. I plan to ask his dog instead. Perhaps I could pay in biscuits....
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In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. They must have learned how do from the soldiers on leave during the Viet Nam war....
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... BUG: The reason ya gave fer callin in sick. BYTE: What yer pitbull dun to cusin...
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You know you're an engineer.... If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts. If you have never backed-up your hard drive. If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to...
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A woman went into business offering seminars for men. Here are some of the course offerings: 25. Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes 26. Changing your Underwear - It Really Works 27. How Not To Act Younger...
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May 2
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Buying a new PC or MAC? Here is the computer sales jargon you need to know w/translation. HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves on PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not...
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Suzanne Sommers was asked how she would explain her exercise machine to the pope if he asked. "I'd say, 'It's a Buttmaster, Your Holiness.'" I'm not the pope, but Suzanne Sommers can call it anything she wants as long as...
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Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. My wife must have gone shopping there today and brought it home with her....
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... BIT: A wager, as in, "I bit you cain't spit that there watermelon seed across the...
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You know you're an engineer.... If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception. If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science...
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A woman went into business offering seminars for men. Here are some of the course offerings: 22. How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost 23. The Remote Control - Overcoming your Dependency 24. Romanticism...
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May 1
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You know you're an engineer.... If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal. If you have more toys than your kids. If you need a checklist to turn on the TV....
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High Tech Computer Sales Jargon Buying a new PC or MAC? Here is the computer sales jargon you need to know w/translation. DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix RE-DESIGNED - Previous...
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"I go to bed happy at night knowing that hair is growing on the face of billions of males and on women's legs around the world while I sleep. It's more fun than counting sheep." Buffett owns about 10% of...
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On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. I wonder how the...
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Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... ACTIVE DESKTOP: Caused from leavin food on yer puter desk. BACKUP: What ya do when ya...
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You know you're an engineer.... If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush. If you own "Official Star Trek" anything. If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside....
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A woman went into business offering seminars for men. Here are some of the course offerings: 19. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called "No,It's Not A Bidet") 20. Give me a Break - Why we...
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