AManWalksIntoAnOffice: May 2006 Archives

« April 2006 | Main | June 2006 »

May31	Foreign Signs - Rome Bill Belew May 31, 2006 Know More: Foreign Signs 2.0, Foreign Signs In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. Is there a disease called 'men,' too? Posted at 2:47 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May31	Recommendations LIAR (Part 3) Bill Belew May 31, 2006 To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers: "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.'' ---- This gem of double meaning is the creation of Robert Thornton, a professor of economics... Continue Reading Posted at 1:49 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Costco Bill Belew May 31, 2006 Jim Senegal is CEO of Costco. "It costs a lot of money for us to make our places look cheap." I wonder if I could get him to design my condo...or maybe just put up the money for it.... Continue Reading Posted at 1:20 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell if a Redneck has been Working on you PC (part 1) Bill Belew May 31, 2006 How can you tell if a Redneck has been working on your PC? 1. The monitor is up on blocks. 2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 3. The four front keys have rotted out. ... Continue Reading Posted at 12:18 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	You Know Your Boss is a Redneck if.... Bill Belew May 31, 2006 You know your boss is a redneck if... His richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off. He has ever used lard in bed. He thinks potted meat on a saltine is an... Continue Reading Posted at 12:17 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May30	Recommendations by LIAR (Part 2) Bill Belew May 30, 2006 To describe a person who is totally inept: "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.'' ---- This gem of double meaning is the creation of Robert Thornton, a professor of economics at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA. Thornton was... Continue Reading Posted at 2:47 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Budapest Bill Belew May 30, 2006 In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. But, what if someone wants to feed the guard to the animal?... Continue Reading Posted at 2:45 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Forbes Magazine Bill Belew May 30, 2006 Robert Orben was the speechwriter for President Gerald Ford. On whether he should go to work or not, he said - "Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of richest people in America. If 'm not... Continue Reading Posted at 1:17 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (Part 22) Bill Belew May 30, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... WINDOW: Place in the truck to hang yer guns. WINDOW: Also what ya roll down when... Continue Reading Posted at 12:16 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May29	Best Caddy Comments (Last) Bill Belew May 29, 2006 # 1 Best Caddy Comment Lewis: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir." Bill: "And that also explains why Lewis needs a hair cut now when he didn't... Continue Reading Posted at 4:05 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Japan Bill Belew May 29, 2006 From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. And if you don't control yourself, then we will put you in... Continue Reading Posted at 3:53 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Recommendations by LIAR Bill Belew May 29, 2006 Sometimes you might be called upon for an opinion of a friend who is extremely lazy. You don't want to lie --- but you also don't want to risk losing even a lazy friend. Try this line: ``In my opinion,''... Continue Reading Posted at 2:45 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Sun Microsystems Bill Belew May 29, 2006 Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy explained their company's relaxed office attire dress code. "Our dress code is, you must dress." Wait, I saw some people walking in their naked the other day.... Continue Reading Posted at 2:43 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (Last) Bill Belew May 29, 2006 10· If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you knowit's going to lead to their life story ....... You need to pray at work. Did I tell you about the time when... Continue Reading Posted at 1:24 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 21) Bill Belew May 29, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... SUPERCONDUCTOR: Amtrak's Employee of the year. SCSI: What ya call your week-old underwear. WARM BOOT: What... Continue Reading Posted at 12:14 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May26	Best Caddy Comments (part 9) Bill Belew May 26, 2006 # 2 Lewis: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." Bill: "When they entered the mall it should have been a clue, but...." --- I never met... Continue Reading Posted at 4:00 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Norway Bill Belew May 26, 2006 In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. But, they are welcome to have them in the laundry room.... Continue Reading Posted at 3:44 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (part 9) Bill Belew May 26, 2006 9· If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping or flatteningsomeone's tires that you work with...... You need to pray at work. Whew, I'm glad that one has tires in it...I thought about doing those things to a... Continue Reading Posted at 2:22 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Goldman Sachs Bill Belew May 26, 2006 David Darst was vice president of Goldman Sachs. His comment explained the futility of trying to predict which companies would survive a recession - "You can't tell who's swimming naked until after the tide goes out." I did that once... Continue Reading Posted at 1:12 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 20) Bill Belew May 26, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... SCREEN SAVER: Repair kit fer the torn winder screen. It's also the paint ya put on... Continue Reading Posted at 12:11 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May25	Best Caddy Comments (part 8) Bill Belew May 25, 2006 # 3 Lewis: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day." Bill: "I wonder if that caddy's name is Nathan." ---- I never met a businessman... Continue Reading Posted at 4:57 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Moscow Bill Belew May 25, 2006 On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. Wasn't that the hotel where Gorbachev had Reagan stay when he went there?... Continue Reading Posted at 3:42 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Nestle's Chocolate Bill Belew May 25, 2006 CEO Helmut Maucher explained his criteria for hiring at Nestle's (did anybody besides me sing that?). "We needed the single-mindedness of people who thinks about chocolate 24 hours a day." Dang! And they didn't hire me!... Continue Reading Posted at 2:41 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (part 8) Bill Belew May 25, 2006 8· When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "sorry a## M#$^er %F%&#ers"........ You need to pray at work.... Continue Reading Posted at 1:19 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 19) Bill Belew May 25, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... REBOOT: What ya do when the first pair gits covered with barnyard stuff. ROM: Delicious when... Continue Reading Posted at 12:09 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May24	Best Caddy Comments (Part 7) Bill Belew May 24, 2006 # 4 Lewis: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf." Bill: "I heard Lewis once game upon a naked girl in some deep brush where he was looking for a ball. He... Continue Reading Posted at 4:55 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 6) Bill Belew May 24, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... CRASH: When ya go to Bubba's party uninvited. CURSOR: What some guys do when they're mad... Continue Reading Posted at 3:32 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (part 7) Bill Belew May 24, 2006 7· When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, and you say "that lazy b*&%$#"...... You need to pray at... Continue Reading Posted at 2:17 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Guenter Schachtschneider Bill Belew May 24, 2006 I think this guy set the record for the most 'ch's in one name. He used to work for the East Germans as a secret policeman. Now he's a stock broker. "As a Stasi agent, I learned how to sell... Continue Reading Posted at 1:09 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 18) Bill Belew May 24, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... PROMPT: What you wish the mail were. RAM: What ya drive if ya aint a Ford... Continue Reading Posted at 12:07 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May23	Best Caddy Comments (part 6) Bill Belew May 23, 2006 # 5 Lewis: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." Bill: "I reckon he is trying to find out which way is east to... Continue Reading Posted at 4:52 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (part 6) Bill Belew May 23, 2006 6· When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of you can kiss my a@@!!s.... You need to pray at work. Missing letters -... Continue Reading Posted at 3:15 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Poland Bill Belew May 23, 2006 On the menu of a Polish hotel: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE: LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION." ... Continue Reading Posted at 2:10 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Truly Stupid Business Quotes Bill Belew May 23, 2006 I find many stupid business quotes in The Book of Truly Stupid Business Quotes. The chapter on stupid business quotes that relate to the federal government were, by chance?....in Chapter 11. I hope this book is not also a book of... Continue Reading Posted at 1:06 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 17) Bill Belew May 23, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... NEWSGROUP: When the wives git together an gossip at the Widder Hawkins' place. OFFLINE: When the... Continue Reading Posted at 12:04 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May22	Best Caddy Comments (part 5) Bill Belew May 22, 2006 # 8 Lewis: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now." Bill: "I knew this game was played with a ball. I have been waiting for that guy to throw it at... Continue Reading Posted at 4:25 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 16) Bill Belew May 22, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... MOTHERBOARD: What Mama gets when she ain't got a boyfriend. MOUSE: Fuzzy, soft thang ya stuff... Continue Reading Posted at 3:58 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (part 5) Bill Belew May 22, 2006 · When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the hel*& does she want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk......... You need to pray at work. Missing... Continue Reading Posted at 2:13 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Tokyo Bill Belew May 22, 2006 From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. And if that... Continue Reading Posted at 1:08 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	IRS Bill Belew May 22, 2006 The IRS has been saying this now for how long? "We know this looks like it might be complicated," Arthur Altman, an IRS official said in 1986 when he explained the 'simplified tax form. Yea, and it has gotten more... Continue Reading Posted at 12:04 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May19	Redneck PC Lingo (part 15) Bill Belew May 19, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... MEGAHERTZ: How yer head feels after 17 beers. MICRO CHIP: What's left in the bag when... Continue Reading Posted at 3:56 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	You Know You're An Engineer (part 22) Bill Belew May 19, 2006 You know you're an engineer.... If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate. If you and your son built a tv from scratch just for fun. If you're mad because this list didn't... Continue Reading Posted at 2:28 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Thailand Bill Belew May 19, 2006 Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: "Would you like to ride on your own ass?" If not, I wonder if they will rent one of their's out?... Continue Reading Posted at 1:06 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Lloyd's of London Bill Belew May 19, 2006 When Lloyd's of London ran into financial trouble, Clive Francis, a land baron in Britain explained the impact it had on him - "I used to own two airplanes. Now, I own a bicycle." I used to own a bicycle,... Continue Reading Posted at 12:01 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May18	CEO of Ann Taylor Bill Belew May 18, 2006 Joseph Brooks was CEO of Ann Taylor. "It takes geniuses to build businesses and idiots to ruin them." After that Ann Taylor took a dive. But then when they rang up my wife's purchases yesterday, they were back in the... Continue Reading Posted at 5:58 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Majorcan Bill Belew May 18, 2006 Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well speaking - Here speeching American I had to look this up. Majorca is one of the islands of the coast of Spain in the Mediterranean Sea. Wow,... Continue Reading Posted at 4:55 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 14) Bill Belew May 18, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... MAC: Big Bubba's favorite fast food. MAIN FRAME: The part of the roof that holds the... Continue Reading Posted at 3:54 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Best Caddy Comments (part 4) Bill Belew May 18, 2006 # 6 Lewis: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence." Bill: :And if I were there, we'd be able to solve the Da... Continue Reading Posted at 2:49 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	You Know You're an Engineer (part 21) Bill Belew May 18, 2006 You know you're an engineer.... If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage. If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.... Continue Reading Posted at 1:27 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (part 4) Bill Belew May 18, 2006 4· When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "well at my last office...," and you want to throw a stapler at him...... You need to pray at work. Okay, I confess.... Continue Reading Posted at 12:11 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May17	Topless Car Wash Bill Belew May 17, 2006 A man was driving along when he saw a bunch of bikini-clad girls waving a sign TOPLESS CAR WASH I know this is a joke site and all things are suspect....I didn't believe it either...but here's the link with a... Continue Reading Posted at 12:13 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Bill Clinton Can be Funny, too. Bill Belew May 17, 2006 Bill Clinton is credited with saying: "Being president is like running a cemetery, you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening." Well, it sure is better to be the president in this case, isn't it?... Continue Reading Posted at 5:53 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 13) Bill Belew May 17, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... LASER: Someone less ambitious than you. LINE IN: Whatcha do when you go fishin' LOG ON:... Continue Reading Posted at 4:50 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Best Caddy Comments (part 3) Bill Belew May 17, 2006 # 7 Lewis: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually." Bill: "How about trying a golf cart?" --- I never met a businessman who didn't play golf. Thank goodness I am a writer and... Continue Reading Posted at 3:44 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Copenhagen Bill Belew May 17, 2006 In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. And it's especially bad because all of those bags are on thesame airplane when they do it.... Continue Reading Posted at 2:40 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	You Know You're An Engineer (part 20) Bill Belew May 17, 2006 You know you're an engineer.... If you spend more on your home computer than your car. If you know what http:/ stands for. If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.... Continue Reading Posted at 1:26 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (part 3) Bill Belew May 17, 2006 3· When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which one of you sons of bi*c^%$# turned off my computer?"..... You need to pray at work. The missing letters in this word were "s" and "uit".... Continue Reading Posted at 12:07 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May16	Redneck PC Lingo (part 12) Bill Belew May 16, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the keys to the John Deere. LAN: To borrow as in, "Hey... Continue Reading Posted at 5:46 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Switzerland Bill Belew May 16, 2006 In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. But, they do have a special on yellow snow.... Continue Reading Posted at 4:39 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (part 2) Bill Belew May 16, 2006 2· When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work. The missing letters in this word are "urr". What were you thinking?... Continue Reading Posted at 3:05 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Best Caddy Comments (part 2) Bill Belew May 16, 2006 # 9 Lewis: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 80 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." Bill: "Our father who art in heaven ..." --- I never met a businessman who didn't... Continue Reading Posted at 2:39 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	You Know You're an Engineer (part 19) Bill Belew May 16, 2006 You know you're an engineer.... If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life. If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers. If you think that when people around you yawn, it's... Continue Reading Posted at 1:25 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	George Bernard Shaw Bill Belew May 16, 2006 Who you gonna believe? George Bernard Shaw once said: "If all the economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion." I said that once, too...but nobody listened to me because I'm not George.... Continue Reading Posted at 12:49 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May15	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work Bill Belew May 15, 2006 1. When.... a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the s#@t! out of her"... You need to pray at work. The missing letters above are 'no'.... Continue Reading Posted at 12:59 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Continental Bank Bill Belew May 15, 2006 CEO Thomas Theobald of Continental Bank had this to say about competition: "I really believe our ultimate competitive advantage is the fact that we went broke." Huh!? I'm glad he wasn't on my team.... Continue Reading Posted at 12:47 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 11) Bill Belew May 15, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... HARD DRIVE: Tryin to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a... Continue Reading Posted at 12:43 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Czechoslavakia (when it was still one) Bill Belew May 15, 2006 In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. Was this agency set up next to an infertility clinic by chance?... Continue Reading Posted at 12:37 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Best Caddy Comments Bill Belew May 15, 2006 # 10 Lewis: "I Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Do you think you can keep your head down that long?" Bill: "Did you just see Michelle Wie walk by. I wish I were 17 again."... Continue Reading Posted at 12:29 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	You Know You're an Engineer (Part 18) Bill Belew May 15, 2006 You know you're an engineer.... If you did the sound system for your senior prom. If your checkbook always balances. If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.... Continue Reading Posted at 12:24 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May12	Redneck PC Lingo (part 10) Bill Belew May 12, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... HARD DRIVE: Tryin to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a... Continue Reading Posted at 12:43 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Columbia Sportswear Bill Belew May 12, 2006 Gert Boyle was selected as one of America's top businesswomen when she headed Columbia Sportswear. Her motto: "Early to Bed, early to rise, work like hell and advertise." Of course, it was the dead poet's society group in the southern... Continue Reading Posted at 12:40 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Rome Bill Belew May 12, 2006 In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. And everyone else in Rome can have a good time, too, unless that is...well, some people are better off covered up.... Continue Reading Posted at 12:35 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	You Know You're An Engineer (part 17) Bill Belew May 12, 2006 You know you're an engineer.... If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting. If people groan at the party when you pick out the music. If you can't remember where you parked your car... Continue Reading Posted at 12:23 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May11	Sam Walton and Rolls-Royce Bill Belew May 11, 2006 Sam Walton was asked why he drove a pick-up truck. "What am I supposed to haul my dogs around in, a Rolls-Royce?" Yea, and all that money won't fit in the trunk of a Honda Civic either, will it?... Continue Reading Posted at 12:44 AM \| Permalink \| Comments

May31	Foreign Signs - Rome Bill Belew May 31, 2006 Know More: Foreign Signs 2.0, Foreign Signs In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. Is there a disease called 'men,' too? Posted at 2:47 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May31	Recommendations LIAR (Part 3) Bill Belew May 31, 2006 To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers: "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.'' ---- This gem of double meaning is the creation of Robert Thornton, a professor of economics... Continue Reading Posted at 1:49 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Costco Bill Belew May 31, 2006 Jim Senegal is CEO of Costco. "It costs a lot of money for us to make our places look cheap." I wonder if I could get him to design my condo...or maybe just put up the money for it.... Continue Reading Posted at 1:20 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell if a Redneck has been Working on you PC (part 1) Bill Belew May 31, 2006 How can you tell if a Redneck has been working on your PC? 1. The monitor is up on blocks. 2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 3. The four front keys have rotted out. ... Continue Reading Posted at 12:18 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	You Know Your Boss is a Redneck if.... Bill Belew May 31, 2006 You know your boss is a redneck if... His richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off. He has ever used lard in bed. He thinks potted meat on a saltine is an... Continue Reading Posted at 12:17 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May30	Recommendations by LIAR (Part 2) Bill Belew May 30, 2006 To describe a person who is totally inept: "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.'' ---- This gem of double meaning is the creation of Robert Thornton, a professor of economics at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA. Thornton was... Continue Reading Posted at 2:47 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Budapest Bill Belew May 30, 2006 In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. But, what if someone wants to feed the guard to the animal?... Continue Reading Posted at 2:45 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Forbes Magazine Bill Belew May 30, 2006 Robert Orben was the speechwriter for President Gerald Ford. On whether he should go to work or not, he said - "Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of richest people in America. If 'm not... Continue Reading Posted at 1:17 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (Part 22) Bill Belew May 30, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... WINDOW: Place in the truck to hang yer guns. WINDOW: Also what ya roll down when... Continue Reading Posted at 12:16 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May29	Best Caddy Comments (Last) Bill Belew May 29, 2006 # 1 Best Caddy Comment Lewis: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir." Bill: "And that also explains why Lewis needs a hair cut now when he didn't... Continue Reading Posted at 4:05 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Japan Bill Belew May 29, 2006 From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. And if you don't control yourself, then we will put you in... Continue Reading Posted at 3:53 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Recommendations by LIAR Bill Belew May 29, 2006 Sometimes you might be called upon for an opinion of a friend who is extremely lazy. You don't want to lie --- but you also don't want to risk losing even a lazy friend. Try this line: ``In my opinion,''... Continue Reading Posted at 2:45 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Sun Microsystems Bill Belew May 29, 2006 Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy explained their company's relaxed office attire dress code. "Our dress code is, you must dress." Wait, I saw some people walking in their naked the other day.... Continue Reading Posted at 2:43 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (Last) Bill Belew May 29, 2006 10· If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you knowit's going to lead to their life story ....... You need to pray at work. Did I tell you about the time when... Continue Reading Posted at 1:24 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 21) Bill Belew May 29, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... SUPERCONDUCTOR: Amtrak's Employee of the year. SCSI: What ya call your week-old underwear. WARM BOOT: What... Continue Reading Posted at 12:14 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May26	Best Caddy Comments (part 9) Bill Belew May 26, 2006 # 2 Lewis: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." Bill: "When they entered the mall it should have been a clue, but...." --- I never met... Continue Reading Posted at 4:00 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Norway Bill Belew May 26, 2006 In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. But, they are welcome to have them in the laundry room.... Continue Reading Posted at 3:44 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (part 9) Bill Belew May 26, 2006 9· If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping or flatteningsomeone's tires that you work with...... You need to pray at work. Whew, I'm glad that one has tires in it...I thought about doing those things to a... Continue Reading Posted at 2:22 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Goldman Sachs Bill Belew May 26, 2006 David Darst was vice president of Goldman Sachs. His comment explained the futility of trying to predict which companies would survive a recession - "You can't tell who's swimming naked until after the tide goes out." I did that once... Continue Reading Posted at 1:12 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 20) Bill Belew May 26, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... SCREEN SAVER: Repair kit fer the torn winder screen. It's also the paint ya put on... Continue Reading Posted at 12:11 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May25	Best Caddy Comments (part 8) Bill Belew May 25, 2006 # 3 Lewis: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day." Bill: "I wonder if that caddy's name is Nathan." ---- I never met a businessman... Continue Reading Posted at 4:57 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Moscow Bill Belew May 25, 2006 On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. Wasn't that the hotel where Gorbachev had Reagan stay when he went there?... Continue Reading Posted at 3:42 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Nestle's Chocolate Bill Belew May 25, 2006 CEO Helmut Maucher explained his criteria for hiring at Nestle's (did anybody besides me sing that?). "We needed the single-mindedness of people who thinks about chocolate 24 hours a day." Dang! And they didn't hire me!... Continue Reading Posted at 2:41 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (part 8) Bill Belew May 25, 2006 8· When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "sorry a## M#$^er %F%&#ers"........ You need to pray at work.... Continue Reading Posted at 1:19 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 19) Bill Belew May 25, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... REBOOT: What ya do when the first pair gits covered with barnyard stuff. ROM: Delicious when... Continue Reading Posted at 12:09 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May24	Best Caddy Comments (Part 7) Bill Belew May 24, 2006 # 4 Lewis: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf." Bill: "I heard Lewis once game upon a naked girl in some deep brush where he was looking for a ball. He... Continue Reading Posted at 4:55 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 6) Bill Belew May 24, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... CRASH: When ya go to Bubba's party uninvited. CURSOR: What some guys do when they're mad... Continue Reading Posted at 3:32 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (part 7) Bill Belew May 24, 2006 7· When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, and you say "that lazy b*&%$#"...... You need to pray at... Continue Reading Posted at 2:17 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Guenter Schachtschneider Bill Belew May 24, 2006 I think this guy set the record for the most 'ch's in one name. He used to work for the East Germans as a secret policeman. Now he's a stock broker. "As a Stasi agent, I learned how to sell... Continue Reading Posted at 1:09 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 18) Bill Belew May 24, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... PROMPT: What you wish the mail were. RAM: What ya drive if ya aint a Ford... Continue Reading Posted at 12:07 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May23	Best Caddy Comments (part 6) Bill Belew May 23, 2006 # 5 Lewis: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." Bill: "I reckon he is trying to find out which way is east to... Continue Reading Posted at 4:52 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (part 6) Bill Belew May 23, 2006 6· When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of you can kiss my a@@!!s.... You need to pray at work. Missing letters -... Continue Reading Posted at 3:15 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Poland Bill Belew May 23, 2006 On the menu of a Polish hotel: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE: LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION." ... Continue Reading Posted at 2:10 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Truly Stupid Business Quotes Bill Belew May 23, 2006 I find many stupid business quotes in The Book of Truly Stupid Business Quotes. The chapter on stupid business quotes that relate to the federal government were, by chance?....in Chapter 11. I hope this book is not also a book of... Continue Reading Posted at 1:06 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 17) Bill Belew May 23, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... NEWSGROUP: When the wives git together an gossip at the Widder Hawkins' place. OFFLINE: When the... Continue Reading Posted at 12:04 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May22	Best Caddy Comments (part 5) Bill Belew May 22, 2006 # 8 Lewis: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now." Bill: "I knew this game was played with a ball. I have been waiting for that guy to throw it at... Continue Reading Posted at 4:25 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 16) Bill Belew May 22, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... MOTHERBOARD: What Mama gets when she ain't got a boyfriend. MOUSE: Fuzzy, soft thang ya stuff... Continue Reading Posted at 3:58 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (part 5) Bill Belew May 22, 2006 · When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the hel*& does she want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk......... You need to pray at work. Missing... Continue Reading Posted at 2:13 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Tokyo Bill Belew May 22, 2006 From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. And if that... Continue Reading Posted at 1:08 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	IRS Bill Belew May 22, 2006 The IRS has been saying this now for how long? "We know this looks like it might be complicated," Arthur Altman, an IRS official said in 1986 when he explained the 'simplified tax form. Yea, and it has gotten more... Continue Reading Posted at 12:04 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May19	Redneck PC Lingo (part 15) Bill Belew May 19, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... MEGAHERTZ: How yer head feels after 17 beers. MICRO CHIP: What's left in the bag when... Continue Reading Posted at 3:56 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	You Know You're An Engineer (part 22) Bill Belew May 19, 2006 You know you're an engineer.... If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate. If you and your son built a tv from scratch just for fun. If you're mad because this list didn't... Continue Reading Posted at 2:28 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Thailand Bill Belew May 19, 2006 Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: "Would you like to ride on your own ass?" If not, I wonder if they will rent one of their's out?... Continue Reading Posted at 1:06 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Lloyd's of London Bill Belew May 19, 2006 When Lloyd's of London ran into financial trouble, Clive Francis, a land baron in Britain explained the impact it had on him - "I used to own two airplanes. Now, I own a bicycle." I used to own a bicycle,... Continue Reading Posted at 12:01 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May18	CEO of Ann Taylor Bill Belew May 18, 2006 Joseph Brooks was CEO of Ann Taylor. "It takes geniuses to build businesses and idiots to ruin them." After that Ann Taylor took a dive. But then when they rang up my wife's purchases yesterday, they were back in the... Continue Reading Posted at 5:58 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Majorcan Bill Belew May 18, 2006 Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well speaking - Here speeching American I had to look this up. Majorca is one of the islands of the coast of Spain in the Mediterranean Sea. Wow,... Continue Reading Posted at 4:55 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 14) Bill Belew May 18, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... MAC: Big Bubba's favorite fast food. MAIN FRAME: The part of the roof that holds the... Continue Reading Posted at 3:54 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Best Caddy Comments (part 4) Bill Belew May 18, 2006 # 6 Lewis: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence." Bill: :And if I were there, we'd be able to solve the Da... Continue Reading Posted at 2:49 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	You Know You're an Engineer (part 21) Bill Belew May 18, 2006 You know you're an engineer.... If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage. If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.... Continue Reading Posted at 1:27 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (part 4) Bill Belew May 18, 2006 4· When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "well at my last office...," and you want to throw a stapler at him...... You need to pray at work. Okay, I confess.... Continue Reading Posted at 12:11 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May17	Topless Car Wash Bill Belew May 17, 2006 A man was driving along when he saw a bunch of bikini-clad girls waving a sign TOPLESS CAR WASH I know this is a joke site and all things are suspect....I didn't believe it either...but here's the link with a... Continue Reading Posted at 12:13 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Bill Clinton Can be Funny, too. Bill Belew May 17, 2006 Bill Clinton is credited with saying: "Being president is like running a cemetery, you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening." Well, it sure is better to be the president in this case, isn't it?... Continue Reading Posted at 5:53 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 13) Bill Belew May 17, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... LASER: Someone less ambitious than you. LINE IN: Whatcha do when you go fishin' LOG ON:... Continue Reading Posted at 4:50 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Best Caddy Comments (part 3) Bill Belew May 17, 2006 # 7 Lewis: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually." Bill: "How about trying a golf cart?" --- I never met a businessman who didn't play golf. Thank goodness I am a writer and... Continue Reading Posted at 3:44 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Copenhagen Bill Belew May 17, 2006 In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. And it's especially bad because all of those bags are on thesame airplane when they do it.... Continue Reading Posted at 2:40 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	You Know You're An Engineer (part 20) Bill Belew May 17, 2006 You know you're an engineer.... If you spend more on your home computer than your car. If you know what http:/ stands for. If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.... Continue Reading Posted at 1:26 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (part 3) Bill Belew May 17, 2006 3· When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which one of you sons of bi*c^%$# turned off my computer?"..... You need to pray at work. The missing letters in this word were "s" and "uit".... Continue Reading Posted at 12:07 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May16	Redneck PC Lingo (part 12) Bill Belew May 16, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the keys to the John Deere. LAN: To borrow as in, "Hey... Continue Reading Posted at 5:46 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Switzerland Bill Belew May 16, 2006 In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. But, they do have a special on yellow snow.... Continue Reading Posted at 4:39 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work (part 2) Bill Belew May 16, 2006 2· When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work. The missing letters in this word are "urr". What were you thinking?... Continue Reading Posted at 3:05 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Best Caddy Comments (part 2) Bill Belew May 16, 2006 # 9 Lewis: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 80 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." Bill: "Our father who art in heaven ..." --- I never met a businessman who didn't... Continue Reading Posted at 2:39 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	You Know You're an Engineer (part 19) Bill Belew May 16, 2006 You know you're an engineer.... If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life. If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers. If you think that when people around you yawn, it's... Continue Reading Posted at 1:25 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	George Bernard Shaw Bill Belew May 16, 2006 Who you gonna believe? George Bernard Shaw once said: "If all the economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion." I said that once, too...but nobody listened to me because I'm not George.... Continue Reading Posted at 12:49 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May15	How to Tell You Need to Pray at Work Bill Belew May 15, 2006 1. When.... a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the s#@t! out of her"... You need to pray at work. The missing letters above are 'no'.... Continue Reading Posted at 12:59 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Continental Bank Bill Belew May 15, 2006 CEO Thomas Theobald of Continental Bank had this to say about competition: "I really believe our ultimate competitive advantage is the fact that we went broke." Huh!? I'm glad he wasn't on my team.... Continue Reading Posted at 12:47 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Redneck PC Lingo (part 11) Bill Belew May 15, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... HARD DRIVE: Tryin to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a... Continue Reading Posted at 12:43 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Czechoslavakia (when it was still one) Bill Belew May 15, 2006 In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. Was this agency set up next to an infertility clinic by chance?... Continue Reading Posted at 12:37 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Best Caddy Comments Bill Belew May 15, 2006 # 10 Lewis: "I Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Do you think you can keep your head down that long?" Bill: "Did you just see Michelle Wie walk by. I wish I were 17 again."... Continue Reading Posted at 12:29 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	You Know You're an Engineer (Part 18) Bill Belew May 15, 2006 You know you're an engineer.... If you did the sound system for your senior prom. If your checkbook always balances. If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.... Continue Reading Posted at 12:24 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May12	Redneck PC Lingo (part 10) Bill Belew May 12, 2006 Rednecks have joined the 75% of American adults who now are online. In the PC Guide for Rednecks there is a list of terms.... HARD DRIVE: Tryin to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a... Continue Reading Posted at 12:43 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Columbia Sportswear Bill Belew May 12, 2006 Gert Boyle was selected as one of America's top businesswomen when she headed Columbia Sportswear. Her motto: "Early to Bed, early to rise, work like hell and advertise." Of course, it was the dead poet's society group in the southern... Continue Reading Posted at 12:40 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Foreign Signs - Rome Bill Belew May 12, 2006 In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. And everyone else in Rome can have a good time, too, unless that is...well, some people are better off covered up.... Continue Reading Posted at 12:35 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	You Know You're An Engineer (part 17) Bill Belew May 12, 2006 You know you're an engineer.... If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting. If people groan at the party when you pick out the music. If you can't remember where you parked your car... Continue Reading Posted at 12:23 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
May11	Sam Walton and Rolls-Royce Bill Belew May 11, 2006 Sam Walton was asked why he drove a pick-up truck. "What am I supposed to haul my dogs around in, a Rolls-Royce?" Yea, and all that money won't fit in the trunk of a Honda Civic either, will it?... Continue Reading Posted at 12:44 AM \| Permalink \| Comments

Business humor and jokes, including humorous stories, experiences, and articles