AManWalksIntoAnOffice: July 2006 Archives

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Jul31	Business Signs - Part 3 Bill Belew July 31, 2006 Know More: Business Quotes 2.0, Business Quotes At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot. Posted at 5:45 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul31	"I Was Expecting the Baker" Bill Belew July 31, 2006 An unidentified woman, according to the San Jose Mercury news was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at... Continue Reading Posted at 5:28 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	What My Wife Wishes I Would Do in Our Home - Part 6 Bill Belew July 31, 2006 My wife and I live in a small matchbox in Silicon Valley that cost enough to buy my sister's whole street in Nowhere Indiana. We have friends who live in Santa Clara and Palo Alto whose houses are no doubt... Continue Reading Posted at 6:31 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Marriage Counselor Gets Advice from Kindergartners - Part 17 Bill Belew July 31, 2006 A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "WHAT ARE THE PERSONAL QUALITIES... Continue Reading Posted at 5:51 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Bob Dole On Losing the Presidential Election Bill Belew July 31, 2006 Bob Dole agreed to do a tv commercial ad for a credit card company after he lost the 1996 presidential election. When asked why, he replied - "It's a nice break from working on my inaugural address." And it beats... Continue Reading Posted at 12:07 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul30	Tech Support for Etch-A-Sketch (tm) Bill Belew July 30, 2006 Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?A:... Continue Reading Posted at 4:53 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Why Learn Chinese Bill Belew July 30, 2006 A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The Adoption Agency called and told them they had a wonderful Chinese baby girl, and the couple took her without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption... Continue Reading Posted at 4:44 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Plate For Hollandaise Bill Belew July 30, 2006 A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in hismouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man... Continue Reading Posted at 3:41 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Business Signs - Part 2 Bill Belew July 30, 2006 In a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here." From a brochure of a Tokyo car-rental company: "When... Continue Reading Posted at 6:37 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul29	I Just Need One Copy Bill Belew July 29, 2006 A young executive of ebay EBAY was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can... Continue Reading Posted at 5:04 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	A Blind Customer Bill Belew July 29, 2006 A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into an Apple Bees APPPB. The man picked up his dog by the tail and starting swinging him around over his head. The bartender rushed over and asked, "Can I help you, sir?". ... Continue Reading Posted at 4:25 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Stupid Boss Bill Belew July 29, 2006 Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other: "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid... You don't believe? Let me show you." and he called his driver Ah Beng... Continue Reading Posted at 3:53 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	A Phone Call Made From An Office Bill Belew July 29, 2006 A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady... Continue Reading Posted at 3:46 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Advice from A Shrink Bill Belew July 29, 2006 A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor... Continue Reading Posted at 3:39 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul28	Marriage Counselor Gets Advice from Kindergartners - Part 16 Bill Belew July 28, 2006 A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "IS THERE A SUREFIRE... Continue Reading Posted at 6:40 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	What My Wife Wishes I Would Do in Our Home - Part 5 Bill Belew July 28, 2006 My wife and I live in a small matchbox in Silicon Valley that cost enough to buy my sister's whole street in Nowhere Indiana. We have friends who live in Santa Clara and Palo Alto whose houses are no doubt... Continue Reading Posted at 6:26 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Attitude Differences - Part 6 Bill Belew July 28, 2006 Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect. Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failureare inherited things. Aussies: Seem to think that none of this... Continue Reading Posted at 6:15 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Ford Motor Blew it Again.... Bill Belew July 28, 2006 Ford Motor Co. moved the horn from the turn signal lever to the steering wheen on many 1984 models. When asked why, Louis Lataif, a Ford Division General Manager explained - "It's where dealers tell us God intended the horn... Continue Reading Posted at 12:05 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul27	Hickory Daiquiri Bill Belew July 27, 2006 A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon,... Continue Reading Posted at 6:32 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Office Quotes Bill Belew July 27, 2006 "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills... Continue Reading Posted at 6:29 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How a Salesman save your life Bill Belew July 27, 2006 A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling,... Continue Reading Posted at 6:14 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Attitude Differences - Part 5 Bill Belew July 27, 2006 Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on anisland. Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquorin a backwards country. Canadians:... Continue Reading Posted at 6:13 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Merisel Computer Distributor Bill Belew July 27, 2006 Executive Casey Hughes of computer distributorship Merisel weighed in on the affects of Intel's Pentium chip crisis in 1995. "It's such a very small percent of total users that would be impacted in any way as to be nonimpactful." Let's... Continue Reading Posted at 12:02 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul26	Trump Tower - Insider Info Bill Belew July 26, 2006 A resident of Trump Towers offered some inside information on the mischief that goes on in the building. "There are workaholics who spend most of the night in these boardrooms. You see who's bleeping whom, and I don't mean just... Continue Reading Posted at 4:51 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	I'm Already Here Bill Belew July 26, 2006 It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a... Continue Reading Posted at 12:14 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	He Who Has A Tate's Is Lost Bill Belew July 26, 2006 There was once a couple named Nancy and Mike Tate, and it was theirlife's dream to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate's Compass Company. Luck was with them, for the first contract they... Continue Reading Posted at 12:11 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	I Am The Aunt Bill Belew July 26, 2006 At a Walgreens pharmacy, a woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by... Continue Reading Posted at 11:08 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Attitude Differences - Part 4 Bill Belew July 26, 2006 Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels. Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one... Continue Reading Posted at 6:09 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul25	Business Signs - Part 1 Bill Belew July 25, 2006 In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your best to alarm the hotelporter." In a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Dresses for street... Continue Reading Posted at 9:59 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Lee Iacocca of Chryslet Bill Belew July 25, 2006 Lee Iacocca, chairman of Chrysler received $20 million in total compensation while the firm was cutting employee merit pay - "That's the American way. If little kids don't aspire to make money like I did, what the hell good is... Continue Reading Posted at 4:48 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Marriage Counselor Gets Advice from Kindergartners - Part 15 Bill Belew July 25, 2006 A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "IS THERE A SUREFIRE... Continue Reading Posted at 6:38 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	What My Wife Wishes I Would Do in Our Home - Part 4 Bill Belew July 25, 2006 My wife and I live in a small matchbox in Silicon Valley that cost enough to buy my sister's whole street in Nowhere Indiana. We have friends who live in Santa Clara and Palo Alto whose houses are no doubt... Continue Reading Posted at 6:21 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Attitude Differences - Part 3 Bill Belew July 25, 2006 Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer. Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness. Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them. Brits: Do not sing at all... Continue Reading Posted at 6:07 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul24	Top Up Bill Belew July 24, 2006 I remember the night I was working as a flight attendant at Korean Air on the red-eye to Manila. A water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the aft cabin of our 747. A very sleepy woman who had... Continue Reading Posted at 11:45 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Attitude Differences - Part 2 Bill Belew July 24, 2006 Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.... Continue Reading Posted at 6:45 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Investment Strategy Bill Belew July 24, 2006 Sidney Homer of Salomon Brothers is an analyst. "$1000 left to earn interest at 8 percent will grow to $43 quadrillion in 400 years, but the first 100 years are the hardest." Well, I reckon I'd better get started if... Continue Reading Posted at 12:48 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul23	How Hoy The Lawyer Died - UPI, Toronto Bill Belew July 23, 2006 Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of... Continue Reading Posted at 7:40 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Attitude Diffrerences - Part 1 Bill Belew July 23, 2006 Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belongto your club. Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care ofthemselves. Canadians: Believe that that's the... Continue Reading Posted at 6:45 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul22	Marriage Counselor Gets Advice from Kindergartners - Part 14 Bill Belew July 22, 2006 A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "IS THERE A SUREFIRE... Continue Reading Posted at 6:37 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Speed Limit Bill Belew July 22, 2006 A cop pulls over a car load of nuns.... Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?" Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh sister, that's... Continue Reading Posted at 6:34 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	What My Wife Wishes I Would Do in Our Home - Part 3 Bill Belew July 22, 2006 My wife and I live in a small matchbox in Silicon Valley that cost enough to buy my sister's whole street in Nowhere Indiana. We have friends who live in Santa Clara and Palo Alto whose houses are no doubt... Continue Reading Posted at 6:15 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Mr. Toyota Does Not Want A New Wife Bill Belew July 22, 2006 Mr. Toyota doesn't always go for a drink after work, sometimes he plays tennis with his old friend Mr Honda. One day they are playing again after a long day at work. At one point, the ball rolls into some bushes and, when... Continue Reading Posted at 12:46 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul21	Guess Bill Belew July 21, 2006 In a zoology lab, the professor gives his teaching assistant a bird's foot and tells him: By visual examination of this extremity, you must tell me the family, genus, and species of the animal as well as its migratory habits and the number... Continue Reading Posted at 4:33 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	4 Answers Bill Belew July 21, 2006 Four business men were walking down the street: a Saudi, a Russian, aNorth Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up andsays, "Excuse me,what is your opinion about the meat shortage?" The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"... Continue Reading Posted at 3:21 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Treasury Secretary William E. Simon Bill Belew July 21, 2006 Former Treasure Secretary William E. Simon had to go to extremes to make a point - heart surgery. "It proved that I had a heart, which surprised a lot of people". But, what would he do if somebody said he... Continue Reading Posted at 12:46 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Switched Bill Belew July 21, 2006 This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a T-shirt and a pair of shorts. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be... Continue Reading Posted at 12:30 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul20	Watergate's G. Gordon Liddy Bill Belew July 20, 2006 Thomas Ferraro was president of a new security firm founded by Watergate's G. Gordon Liddy. He shared his strategy for attracting business - "We hope Mr. Liddy's infamy will work in reverse." It worked for Martha Stewart, didn't it?... Continue Reading Posted at 12:44 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Wise Comments Bill Belew July 20, 2006 A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. ... Continue Reading Posted at 12:27 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Better Quit Drinking Bill Belew July 20, 2006 Tony the juggler was driving to his next performance one day, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh yeah. let me see." So the... Continue Reading Posted at 12:26 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Mr. Toyota and His Guts Bill Belew July 20, 2006 Mr. and Mrs. Toyota had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only frictions in their marriage were caused by the husband's habit of coming home late and drunk after work almost every night, and breaking wind nearly every morning... Continue Reading Posted at 12:22 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul19	An Engineer's Question Bill Belew July 19, 2006 A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing awayahead of... Continue Reading Posted at 6:59 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Marriage Counselor Gets Advice from Kindergartners - Part 13 Bill Belew July 19, 2006 A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "IS THERE A SUREFIRE... Continue Reading Posted at 6:33 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Strange Sayings in Office - Part 18 Bill Belew July 19, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to the Starbucks right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of ebay. I hence made several friends from... Continue Reading Posted at 6:17 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	What My Wife Wishes I Would Do in Our Home - Part 2 Bill Belew July 19, 2006 My wife and I live in a small matchbox in Silicon Valley that cost enough to buy my sister's whole street in Nowhere Indiana. We have friends who live in Santa Clara and Palo Alto whose houses are no doubt... Continue Reading Posted at 6:12 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Postmaster General Anthony Frank Bill Belew July 19, 2006 The US Postmaster General Anthony Frank almost reduced the size of the Postal Service's annual deficit - "I never thought I'd see the day I would be bragging about potentially losing 'only' a billion dollars, but i guess that day... Continue Reading Posted at 12:41 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul18	Strange Sayings in Office - Part 17 Bill Belew July 18, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to the Starbucks right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of ebay. I hence made several friends from... Continue Reading Posted at 6:31 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Marriage Counselor Gets Advice from Kindergartners - Part 12 Bill Belew July 18, 2006 A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "WHY DO LOVERS OFTEN... Continue Reading Posted at 6:00 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Ford Motor Co. Chairman, Alex Trotman Bill Belew July 18, 2006 Alex Trotman, former chairman of Ford Motor Co. "We're always concerned about what's going to happen, because we're almost always wrong about the future." And Ford Motor Co. is STILL wrong........ Continue Reading Posted at 12:39 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul17	Operation Efficiency Bill Belew July 17, 2006 A man goes to a busy restaurant and sits down at the only empty table. As he sits down, he accidentally knocks the spoon off the table with his elbow. The waiter immediately takes a spoon from his pocket and... Continue Reading Posted at 10:19 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Strange Sayings in Office - Part 16 Bill Belew July 17, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to the Starbucks right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of ebay. I hence made several friends from... Continue Reading Posted at 6:27 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Written Excuses Given to School - Part 9 Bill Belew July 17, 2006 Both my wife and I use to teach at a private school. The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to us by parents of students: - Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We... Continue Reading Posted at 3:18 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Termite Killer Chlordane Bill Belew July 17, 2006 Othal Brand was a board member of the Texas pesiticide regulatory board. This is what he had to say about Chlordane. "Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway." So,... Continue Reading Posted at 12:36 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul16	What My Wife Wishes I Would do In Our Home - Part 1 Bill Belew July 16, 2006 My wife and I live in a small matchbox in Silicon Valley that cost enough to buy my sister's whole street in Nowhere Indiana. We have friends who live in Santa Clara and Palo Alto whose houses are no doubt... Continue Reading Posted at 5:56 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	A Long Time at the Home Depot Bill Belew July 16, 2006 Two men in a pickup truck drove into The Home Depot. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went... Continue Reading Posted at 1:15 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Never Out Run A Bear? Bill Belew July 16, 2006 Sam and Dave work at the same office, and they both like camping in the wilderness. Once when they are camping at Rancho San Antonio, Sam turns and notices a bear about a mile behind them. They decide to pick up... Continue Reading Posted at 12:55 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	High-Tech Bill Belew July 16, 2006 Bill is on a short business trip to San Francisco. While waiting for his flight which leaves a 6:00 at the Cincinnati Airport, he relizes that he has forgotten his watch, so he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots... Continue Reading Posted at 12:35 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul15	Ask The Therapist Bill Belew July 15, 2006 Bob had a terrible stuttering problem and was starting to get depressed about it. His therapist told him to do something exciting to get his mind off of his problem. The therapist recommended sky-diving. One day Bob went up with... Continue Reading Posted at 1:42 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Stop or Slow Down? Bill Belew July 15, 2006 An LAPD police officer. who was "sitting" at a stop sign, watched a man roll through the intersection without stopping. He pulled the driver over and requested to see the driver's licenseand registration. The driver asked, "But officer, why'd you stop... Continue Reading Posted at 1:32 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul14	Strange Sayings in Office - Part 15 Bill Belew July 14, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to the Starbucks right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of ebay. I hence made several friends from... Continue Reading Posted at 6:22 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Written Excuses Given to School - Part 8 Bill Belew July 14, 2006 Both my wife and I use to teach at a private school. The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to us by parents of students: - Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. - I... Continue Reading Posted at 6:16 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	President JFK on Businessmen Bill Belew July 14, 2006 President JFK had a showdown in 1962 with US Steel over price hikes. "My father always told me that all businessmen are sons of bitches, but I never believed it until now." And to think, that's just their mothers that... Continue Reading Posted at 12:34 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul13	Died At Work - Part 4 Bill Belew July 13, 2006 George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene tosearch for files. The remaining wall then... Continue Reading Posted at 12:53 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Written Excuses Given to School - Part 7 Bill Belew July 13, 2006 Both my wife and I use to teach at a private school. The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to us by parents of students: - Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(crossed out), diahoah(*crossed... Continue Reading Posted at 6:13

Jul31	Business Signs - Part 3 Bill Belew July 31, 2006 Know More: Business Quotes 2.0, Business Quotes At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot. Posted at 5:45 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul31	"I Was Expecting the Baker" Bill Belew July 31, 2006 An unidentified woman, according to the San Jose Mercury news was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at... Continue Reading Posted at 5:28 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	What My Wife Wishes I Would Do in Our Home - Part 6 Bill Belew July 31, 2006 My wife and I live in a small matchbox in Silicon Valley that cost enough to buy my sister's whole street in Nowhere Indiana. We have friends who live in Santa Clara and Palo Alto whose houses are no doubt... Continue Reading Posted at 6:31 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Marriage Counselor Gets Advice from Kindergartners - Part 17 Bill Belew July 31, 2006 A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "WHAT ARE THE PERSONAL QUALITIES... Continue Reading Posted at 5:51 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Bob Dole On Losing the Presidential Election Bill Belew July 31, 2006 Bob Dole agreed to do a tv commercial ad for a credit card company after he lost the 1996 presidential election. When asked why, he replied - "It's a nice break from working on my inaugural address." And it beats... Continue Reading Posted at 12:07 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul30	Tech Support for Etch-A-Sketch (tm) Bill Belew July 30, 2006 Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?A:... Continue Reading Posted at 4:53 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Why Learn Chinese Bill Belew July 30, 2006 A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The Adoption Agency called and told them they had a wonderful Chinese baby girl, and the couple took her without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption... Continue Reading Posted at 4:44 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Plate For Hollandaise Bill Belew July 30, 2006 A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in hismouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man... Continue Reading Posted at 3:41 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Business Signs - Part 2 Bill Belew July 30, 2006 In a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here." From a brochure of a Tokyo car-rental company: "When... Continue Reading Posted at 6:37 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul29	I Just Need One Copy Bill Belew July 29, 2006 A young executive of ebay EBAY was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can... Continue Reading Posted at 5:04 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	A Blind Customer Bill Belew July 29, 2006 A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into an Apple Bees APPPB. The man picked up his dog by the tail and starting swinging him around over his head. The bartender rushed over and asked, "Can I help you, sir?". ... Continue Reading Posted at 4:25 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Stupid Boss Bill Belew July 29, 2006 Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other: "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid... You don't believe? Let me show you." and he called his driver Ah Beng... Continue Reading Posted at 3:53 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	A Phone Call Made From An Office Bill Belew July 29, 2006 A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady... Continue Reading Posted at 3:46 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Advice from A Shrink Bill Belew July 29, 2006 A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor... Continue Reading Posted at 3:39 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul28	Marriage Counselor Gets Advice from Kindergartners - Part 16 Bill Belew July 28, 2006 A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "IS THERE A SUREFIRE... Continue Reading Posted at 6:40 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	What My Wife Wishes I Would Do in Our Home - Part 5 Bill Belew July 28, 2006 My wife and I live in a small matchbox in Silicon Valley that cost enough to buy my sister's whole street in Nowhere Indiana. We have friends who live in Santa Clara and Palo Alto whose houses are no doubt... Continue Reading Posted at 6:26 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Attitude Differences - Part 6 Bill Belew July 28, 2006 Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect. Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failureare inherited things. Aussies: Seem to think that none of this... Continue Reading Posted at 6:15 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Ford Motor Blew it Again.... Bill Belew July 28, 2006 Ford Motor Co. moved the horn from the turn signal lever to the steering wheen on many 1984 models. When asked why, Louis Lataif, a Ford Division General Manager explained - "It's where dealers tell us God intended the horn... Continue Reading Posted at 12:05 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul27	Hickory Daiquiri Bill Belew July 27, 2006 A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon,... Continue Reading Posted at 6:32 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Office Quotes Bill Belew July 27, 2006 "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills... Continue Reading Posted at 6:29 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How a Salesman save your life Bill Belew July 27, 2006 A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling,... Continue Reading Posted at 6:14 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Attitude Differences - Part 5 Bill Belew July 27, 2006 Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on anisland. Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquorin a backwards country. Canadians:... Continue Reading Posted at 6:13 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Merisel Computer Distributor Bill Belew July 27, 2006 Executive Casey Hughes of computer distributorship Merisel weighed in on the affects of Intel's Pentium chip crisis in 1995. "It's such a very small percent of total users that would be impacted in any way as to be nonimpactful." Let's... Continue Reading Posted at 12:02 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul26	Trump Tower - Insider Info Bill Belew July 26, 2006 A resident of Trump Towers offered some inside information on the mischief that goes on in the building. "There are workaholics who spend most of the night in these boardrooms. You see who's bleeping whom, and I don't mean just... Continue Reading Posted at 4:51 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	I'm Already Here Bill Belew July 26, 2006 It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a... Continue Reading Posted at 12:14 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	He Who Has A Tate's Is Lost Bill Belew July 26, 2006 There was once a couple named Nancy and Mike Tate, and it was theirlife's dream to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate's Compass Company. Luck was with them, for the first contract they... Continue Reading Posted at 12:11 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	I Am The Aunt Bill Belew July 26, 2006 At a Walgreens pharmacy, a woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by... Continue Reading Posted at 11:08 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Attitude Differences - Part 4 Bill Belew July 26, 2006 Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels. Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one... Continue Reading Posted at 6:09 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul25	Business Signs - Part 1 Bill Belew July 25, 2006 In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your best to alarm the hotelporter." In a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Dresses for street... Continue Reading Posted at 9:59 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Lee Iacocca of Chryslet Bill Belew July 25, 2006 Lee Iacocca, chairman of Chrysler received $20 million in total compensation while the firm was cutting employee merit pay - "That's the American way. If little kids don't aspire to make money like I did, what the hell good is... Continue Reading Posted at 4:48 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Marriage Counselor Gets Advice from Kindergartners - Part 15 Bill Belew July 25, 2006 A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "IS THERE A SUREFIRE... Continue Reading Posted at 6:38 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	What My Wife Wishes I Would Do in Our Home - Part 4 Bill Belew July 25, 2006 My wife and I live in a small matchbox in Silicon Valley that cost enough to buy my sister's whole street in Nowhere Indiana. We have friends who live in Santa Clara and Palo Alto whose houses are no doubt... Continue Reading Posted at 6:21 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Attitude Differences - Part 3 Bill Belew July 25, 2006 Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer. Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness. Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them. Brits: Do not sing at all... Continue Reading Posted at 6:07 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul24	Top Up Bill Belew July 24, 2006 I remember the night I was working as a flight attendant at Korean Air on the red-eye to Manila. A water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the aft cabin of our 747. A very sleepy woman who had... Continue Reading Posted at 11:45 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Attitude Differences - Part 2 Bill Belew July 24, 2006 Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.... Continue Reading Posted at 6:45 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Investment Strategy Bill Belew July 24, 2006 Sidney Homer of Salomon Brothers is an analyst. "$1000 left to earn interest at 8 percent will grow to $43 quadrillion in 400 years, but the first 100 years are the hardest." Well, I reckon I'd better get started if... Continue Reading Posted at 12:48 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul23	How Hoy The Lawyer Died - UPI, Toronto Bill Belew July 23, 2006 Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of... Continue Reading Posted at 7:40 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Attitude Diffrerences - Part 1 Bill Belew July 23, 2006 Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belongto your club. Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care ofthemselves. Canadians: Believe that that's the... Continue Reading Posted at 6:45 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul22	Marriage Counselor Gets Advice from Kindergartners - Part 14 Bill Belew July 22, 2006 A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "IS THERE A SUREFIRE... Continue Reading Posted at 6:37 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Speed Limit Bill Belew July 22, 2006 A cop pulls over a car load of nuns.... Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?" Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh sister, that's... Continue Reading Posted at 6:34 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	What My Wife Wishes I Would Do in Our Home - Part 3 Bill Belew July 22, 2006 My wife and I live in a small matchbox in Silicon Valley that cost enough to buy my sister's whole street in Nowhere Indiana. We have friends who live in Santa Clara and Palo Alto whose houses are no doubt... Continue Reading Posted at 6:15 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Mr. Toyota Does Not Want A New Wife Bill Belew July 22, 2006 Mr. Toyota doesn't always go for a drink after work, sometimes he plays tennis with his old friend Mr Honda. One day they are playing again after a long day at work. At one point, the ball rolls into some bushes and, when... Continue Reading Posted at 12:46 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul21	Guess Bill Belew July 21, 2006 In a zoology lab, the professor gives his teaching assistant a bird's foot and tells him: By visual examination of this extremity, you must tell me the family, genus, and species of the animal as well as its migratory habits and the number... Continue Reading Posted at 4:33 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	4 Answers Bill Belew July 21, 2006 Four business men were walking down the street: a Saudi, a Russian, aNorth Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up andsays, "Excuse me,what is your opinion about the meat shortage?" The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"... Continue Reading Posted at 3:21 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Treasury Secretary William E. Simon Bill Belew July 21, 2006 Former Treasure Secretary William E. Simon had to go to extremes to make a point - heart surgery. "It proved that I had a heart, which surprised a lot of people". But, what would he do if somebody said he... Continue Reading Posted at 12:46 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Switched Bill Belew July 21, 2006 This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a T-shirt and a pair of shorts. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be... Continue Reading Posted at 12:30 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul20	Watergate's G. Gordon Liddy Bill Belew July 20, 2006 Thomas Ferraro was president of a new security firm founded by Watergate's G. Gordon Liddy. He shared his strategy for attracting business - "We hope Mr. Liddy's infamy will work in reverse." It worked for Martha Stewart, didn't it?... Continue Reading Posted at 12:44 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Wise Comments Bill Belew July 20, 2006 A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. ... Continue Reading Posted at 12:27 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Better Quit Drinking Bill Belew July 20, 2006 Tony the juggler was driving to his next performance one day, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh yeah. let me see." So the... Continue Reading Posted at 12:26 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Mr. Toyota and His Guts Bill Belew July 20, 2006 Mr. and Mrs. Toyota had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only frictions in their marriage were caused by the husband's habit of coming home late and drunk after work almost every night, and breaking wind nearly every morning... Continue Reading Posted at 12:22 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul19	An Engineer's Question Bill Belew July 19, 2006 A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing awayahead of... Continue Reading Posted at 6:59 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Marriage Counselor Gets Advice from Kindergartners - Part 13 Bill Belew July 19, 2006 A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "IS THERE A SUREFIRE... Continue Reading Posted at 6:33 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Strange Sayings in Office - Part 18 Bill Belew July 19, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to the Starbucks right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of ebay. I hence made several friends from... Continue Reading Posted at 6:17 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	What My Wife Wishes I Would Do in Our Home - Part 2 Bill Belew July 19, 2006 My wife and I live in a small matchbox in Silicon Valley that cost enough to buy my sister's whole street in Nowhere Indiana. We have friends who live in Santa Clara and Palo Alto whose houses are no doubt... Continue Reading Posted at 6:12 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Postmaster General Anthony Frank Bill Belew July 19, 2006 The US Postmaster General Anthony Frank almost reduced the size of the Postal Service's annual deficit - "I never thought I'd see the day I would be bragging about potentially losing 'only' a billion dollars, but i guess that day... Continue Reading Posted at 12:41 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul18	Strange Sayings in Office - Part 17 Bill Belew July 18, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to the Starbucks right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of ebay. I hence made several friends from... Continue Reading Posted at 6:31 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Marriage Counselor Gets Advice from Kindergartners - Part 12 Bill Belew July 18, 2006 A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "WHY DO LOVERS OFTEN... Continue Reading Posted at 6:00 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Ford Motor Co. Chairman, Alex Trotman Bill Belew July 18, 2006 Alex Trotman, former chairman of Ford Motor Co. "We're always concerned about what's going to happen, because we're almost always wrong about the future." And Ford Motor Co. is STILL wrong........ Continue Reading Posted at 12:39 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul17	Operation Efficiency Bill Belew July 17, 2006 A man goes to a busy restaurant and sits down at the only empty table. As he sits down, he accidentally knocks the spoon off the table with his elbow. The waiter immediately takes a spoon from his pocket and... Continue Reading Posted at 10:19 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Strange Sayings in Office - Part 16 Bill Belew July 17, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to the Starbucks right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of ebay. I hence made several friends from... Continue Reading Posted at 6:27 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Written Excuses Given to School - Part 9 Bill Belew July 17, 2006 Both my wife and I use to teach at a private school. The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to us by parents of students: - Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We... Continue Reading Posted at 3:18 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Termite Killer Chlordane Bill Belew July 17, 2006 Othal Brand was a board member of the Texas pesiticide regulatory board. This is what he had to say about Chlordane. "Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway." So,... Continue Reading Posted at 12:36 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul16	What My Wife Wishes I Would do In Our Home - Part 1 Bill Belew July 16, 2006 My wife and I live in a small matchbox in Silicon Valley that cost enough to buy my sister's whole street in Nowhere Indiana. We have friends who live in Santa Clara and Palo Alto whose houses are no doubt... Continue Reading Posted at 5:56 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	A Long Time at the Home Depot Bill Belew July 16, 2006 Two men in a pickup truck drove into The Home Depot. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went... Continue Reading Posted at 1:15 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Never Out Run A Bear? Bill Belew July 16, 2006 Sam and Dave work at the same office, and they both like camping in the wilderness. Once when they are camping at Rancho San Antonio, Sam turns and notices a bear about a mile behind them. They decide to pick up... Continue Reading Posted at 12:55 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	High-Tech Bill Belew July 16, 2006 Bill is on a short business trip to San Francisco. While waiting for his flight which leaves a 6:00 at the Cincinnati Airport, he relizes that he has forgotten his watch, so he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots... Continue Reading Posted at 12:35 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul15	Ask The Therapist Bill Belew July 15, 2006 Bob had a terrible stuttering problem and was starting to get depressed about it. His therapist told him to do something exciting to get his mind off of his problem. The therapist recommended sky-diving. One day Bob went up with... Continue Reading Posted at 1:42 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Stop or Slow Down? Bill Belew July 15, 2006 An LAPD police officer. who was "sitting" at a stop sign, watched a man roll through the intersection without stopping. He pulled the driver over and requested to see the driver's licenseand registration. The driver asked, "But officer, why'd you stop... Continue Reading Posted at 1:32 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul14	Strange Sayings in Office - Part 15 Bill Belew July 14, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to the Starbucks right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of ebay. I hence made several friends from... Continue Reading Posted at 6:22 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Written Excuses Given to School - Part 8 Bill Belew July 14, 2006 Both my wife and I use to teach at a private school. The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to us by parents of students: - Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. - I... Continue Reading Posted at 6:16 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	President JFK on Businessmen Bill Belew July 14, 2006 President JFK had a showdown in 1962 with US Steel over price hikes. "My father always told me that all businessmen are sons of bitches, but I never believed it until now." And to think, that's just their mothers that... Continue Reading Posted at 12:34 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Jul13	Died At Work - Part 4 Bill Belew July 13, 2006 George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene tosearch for files. The remaining wall then... Continue Reading Posted at 12:53 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Written Excuses Given to School - Part 7 Bill Belew July 13, 2006 Both my wife and I use to teach at a private school. The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to us by parents of students: - Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(crossed out), diahoah(*crossed... Continue Reading Posted at 6:13

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