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Aug31
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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
- From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
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Aug31
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Caught napping at work, school, or church? Try this one. Guaranteed to work!Just pick your head up real fast and say:"...in JESUS' name...AMEN!" (he-he...how can they yell at you for this :)ADDENDUM: For some reason, it won't work in a Synagogue....
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- You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.- The next morning after you take a "sick" day, the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek...
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- It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.- There will always be...
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If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these: - If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke? - Can I bring my goat to the company daycare...
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Aug30
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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: - As the plane landed and was coming to a...
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If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these: - If you give me a job you're OK but if you don't you suck. - I don't DO applications. - If I work here I'll wear...
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- This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. - If I throw a stick, will you leave? - Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. - Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? -...
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- You hand a bank teller an envelope, and she asks, "What's this?", you suddenly realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.- A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman...
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A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "IS THERE A SUREFIRE WAY...
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Aug29
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The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading.After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked:"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees,...
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If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these: - If you hire me I will show up. That's all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I...
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A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp Borealie Lumber Camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks'...
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- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.- Don't be irreplaceable; if...
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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:- From a Southwest Airline employee.... "There may be 50 ways to...
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Aug28
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If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these: - If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to. - I'll need a company car and a driver...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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A gal comes in for her interview with the human resources department of HP hands the executive her application.As the executive begins to scan her resume, he notices that she has been fired from every job she's ever held."I must say," says...
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A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up...
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A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of Career Education Corp. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes."Open these if you run up against a problem you...
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Aug27
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If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these: - I won't sue you when you fire me. - My arrest record is all a bunch of lies. - I was a sniper in the...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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Fresh out of USC business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch."I need...
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A customer walks into Frankie, Johnnie and Luigi Too! and notices a large sign on the wall:$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.She calmly writes down his order and walks...
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A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "IS THERE A SUREFIRE...
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Aug26
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If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these: - That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault. - I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't. - I...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?" A...
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Brooks College , feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new president. This new boss is determined to rid the college of all slackers.On a tour of the admin office, the president notices a guy leaning on a...
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Four engineers from BMW, Toyota, Ford, and Microsoft were traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them. Then the first engineer who was a BMW mechanical engineer said, "don't worry its probably engine problems. I will...
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Aug25
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:- You could do worse. - I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there. - I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so...
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- On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."- At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."- Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming." - On...
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A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice.He tells...
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A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.She...
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Aug24
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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- In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."- On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."- At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,...
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A woman went to Wal-Martto purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all...
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Jerry is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.The inspector decides to give Jerry a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized...
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A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "HOW TO MAKE...
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Aug23
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Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse at The United Airline. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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- At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout"- Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"- At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your...
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A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him...
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A man walks into an AAA insurance office and asks for a job. "Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!""Well, we have two prospects that no one...
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Aug22
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I once asked my creative writing class at University of Phoenix to write a concise essay containing the following four elements: Religion, Royalty, Sex, and Mystery.Here is my favorite essay: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"...
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While proudly showing off his new apartment to colleagues, a new employee led the way into the den."What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked."That is the talking clock", the man replied."How's it work?" the...
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An USDA employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. "I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie. Poof! A beer appeared.Next the man...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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- At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator) "Best Place in Town to take a Leak"- Sign over a gynecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."- On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband tried to fix."- On the trucks...
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Aug21
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Sven and Ole worked together at Levi's and were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton...
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Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a...
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You should go over well with your boss, print it out and hang it over your work station... - Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I...
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- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. - I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. - The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. - What am I? Flypaper...
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A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "WHEN IS IT...
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Aug20
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You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun." You...
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You should go over well with your boss, print it out and hang it over your work station... - If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. -...
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- Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.. - I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce. - I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. - I'll try...
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A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.The man...
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Aug19
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You should go over well with your boss, print it out and hang it over your work station... - If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn...
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One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar forpossible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closingtime, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different...
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You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years. You've ever had...
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John was a clerk at Longs Drugs Store but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.Bob, the store manager, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would...
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According to a news report on Victoria Times, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem.A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but...
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Aug18
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1. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate. 2. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 3. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't meteverybody. 4. If you can smile when things...
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You should go over well with your boss, print it out and hang it over your work station... - Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline...
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You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today. When out in public you feel the urge...
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A man who isn't qualified keeps pestering the store manager at Brooks Brothers about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the manager tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.Another employee points out to...
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A marriage counselor was running out of ways to advise his patients so he decided to ask some young kids for their advice on how he should respond to frequent questions. He asked - "HOW A PERSON...
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Aug17
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1. No one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life isserious. 2. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 3. The other line always moves faster until you get in it....
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Dear Employee:As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of...
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You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick. You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers...
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A fellow came into Cheers and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he |
