AManWalksIntoAnOffice: September 2006 Archives

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Sep30	Kidneys for Brains Bill Belew September 30, 2006 Know More: A Woman Walks into An Office 2.0, A Woman Walks into An Office The teacher asked her students if anyone knew the answer to 2+2, they had three tries or they would not get recess. The first kid said "Uh, 14? "No," the teacher said. The second kid said "3.8" "Not quite" the teacher said. Finally the third kid said "That's easy, 4" "Yes, you all get recess now". At the playground the kids asked how did he know the answer and he said "It's all about the Kidneys!" as he pointed to his head. Posted at 11:02 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep30	But Doctor, you said... (Part 3) Bill Belew September 30, 2006 Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records. Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of... Continue Reading Posted at 11:00 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	2 dumb fishermen Bill Belew September 30, 2006 2 dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling... Continue Reading Posted at 10:45 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Totally Useless Info - Part 3 Bill Belew September 30, 2006 - Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 - Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. - Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70% - Average life span... Continue Reading Posted at 10:14 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	The Difference Between Me and My Boss - Part 2 Bill Belew September 30, 2006 - When I please my bossI'm ass-kissing- When my boss pleases his bossHe's co-operating - When I do goodMy boss never remembers- When I do wrongHe never forgets... Continue Reading Posted at 8:28 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep29	If Airlines Sold Paint Bill Belew September 29, 2006 Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60... Continue Reading Posted at 11:09 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	But Doctor, you said... (Part 2) Bill Belew September 29, 2006 Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records. Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of... Continue Reading Posted at 10:57 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Totally Useless Info - Part 2 Bill Belew September 29, 2006 - Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4 - Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12 - Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% - Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% - Estimated... Continue Reading Posted at 10:10 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Help Me, Doctor! - Part 3 Bill Belew September 29, 2006 Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?Doc: I never make rash promises!Doctor, Doctor I keep... Continue Reading Posted at 10:02 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	60-year-old atient Bill Belew September 29, 2006 A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way,... Continue Reading Posted at 8:12 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep28	But Doctor, you said... (Part 1) Bill Belew September 28, 2006 Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records. Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of... Continue Reading Posted at 10:53 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Timberland Bill Belew September 28, 2006 A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to... Continue Reading Posted at 10:49 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Artist Competition Bill Belew September 28, 2006 Bob: Hey, Bill did you hear about the artists who held a competition?Bill: No? How did it turn out?Bob: It was a draw.... Continue Reading Posted at 10:47 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Totally Useless Info - Part 1 Bill Belew September 28, 2006 - Coca-cola was originally green. - Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury. - Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever. - Dumbest dog: Afghan - Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. - Men can read smaller print... Continue Reading Posted at 10:04 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Help Me, Doctor! - Part 2 Bill Belew September 28, 2006 Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.Then you'll have a bad headache.Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!Doc: When did this start?Well first I created... Continue Reading Posted at 10:01 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep27	Help Me, Doctor! - Part 1 Bill Belew September 27, 2006 Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.But I'm not allowed up on the couch!Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!Doc: Do... Continue Reading Posted at 9:59 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	WARNING: Puns Ahead! - Part 2 Bill Belew September 27, 2006 Love ' em or hate ' em, it ' s Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try ' em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell... Continue Reading Posted at 9:55 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Stupid Questions Asked of Park Rangers - Part 3 Bill Belew September 27, 2006 Carlsbad Caverns National Park...- How much of the cave is underground?- So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?- Does it ever rain in here?- How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?- So what is... Continue Reading Posted at 9:48 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	More Job Evaluations - Part 6 Bill Belew September 27, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR... Continue Reading Posted at 8:36 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Corporate Travel Guidelines - Part 5 Bill Belew September 27, 2006 Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Miscellaneous: All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual... Continue Reading Posted at 8:06 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep26	WARNING: Puns Ahead! - Part 1 Bill Belew September 26, 2006 Love 'em or hate 'em, it's Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try 'em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be prepared for... Continue Reading Posted at 9:49 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Stupid Questions Asked of Park Rangers - Part 2 Bill Belew September 26, 2006 Denali National Park (Alaska)...- What time do you feed the bears?- Can you show me where the yeti lives?- How often do you mow the tundra?- How much does Mount McKinley weigh?Mesa Verde National Park...- Did people build this, or... Continue Reading Posted at 9:46 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Management Quotes - Part 3 Bill Belew September 26, 2006 - Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the... Continue Reading Posted at 8:51 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	More Job Evaluations - Part 5 Bill Belew September 26, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR... Continue Reading Posted at 8:34 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Corporate Travel Guidelines - Part 4 Bill Belew September 26, 2006 Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Entertainment: Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contracts, the customer should be encouraged... Continue Reading Posted at 8:05 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep25	Stupid Questions Asked of Park Rangers - Part 1 Bill Belew September 25, 2006 Grand Canyon National Park...- Was this man-made?- Do you light it up at night?- I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?- So where are the faces of the presidents?Everglades National Park...- Are the alligators... Continue Reading Posted at 9:44 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Management Quotes - Part 2 Bill Belew September 25, 2006 - My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.- My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.- He's... Continue Reading Posted at 8:48 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	More Job Evaluations - Part 7 Bill Belew September 25, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR... Continue Reading Posted at 8:38 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	More Job Evaluations - Part 4 Bill Belew September 25, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR... Continue Reading Posted at 8:32 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Corporate Travel Guidelines - Part 3 Bill Belew September 25, 2006 Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Meals: Meals expense are cut to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that some grocery chains provide free samples... Continue Reading Posted at 8:03 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep24	Management Quotes - Part 1 Bill Belew September 24, 2006 - Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".- Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going... Continue Reading Posted at 1:44 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Excuses For Missing Work - Part 2 Bill Belew September 24, 2006 - I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.- I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead- The voices told me to clean all the guns today.- The dog ate my car... Continue Reading Posted at 8:56 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Corporate Travel Guidelines - part 2 Bill Belew September 24, 2006 Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Lodging: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas... Continue Reading Posted at 8:22 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	More Job Evaluations - Part 3 Bill Belew September 24, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR... Continue Reading Posted at 8:19 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Creative Answering Machine Messages - Part 6 Bill Belew September 24, 2006 - Hello, this is Susan. I don't work here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and... Continue Reading Posted at 8:07 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep23	Corporate Travel Guidelines - part 1 Bill Belew September 23, 2006 Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately. Transportation: Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees... Continue Reading Posted at 8:59 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Excuses For Missing Work - Part1 Bill Belew September 23, 2006 - I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,... Continue Reading Posted at 8:55 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	More Job Evaluations - Part 2 Bill Belew September 23, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR... Continue Reading Posted at 8:54 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	So, Who's Workin? Bill Belew September 23, 2006 The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed... Continue Reading Posted at 8:42 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Creative Answering Machine Messages - Part 5 Bill Belew September 23, 2006 - Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?- This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.... Continue Reading Posted at 8:04 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep22	More Job Evaluations - Part 1 Bill Belew September 22, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR... Continue Reading Posted at 8:51 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Whose Job Is It? Bill Belew September 22, 2006 This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but... Continue Reading Posted at 8:40 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Exerise For The Nonathletic Bill Belew September 22, 2006 Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. Beating around the bush -75Jumping to conclusions - 100Climbing the walls - 150Swallowing your pride - 50Passing the buck - 25Throwing your... Continue Reading Posted at 8:36 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Office Terminology - Part 4 Bill Belew September 22, 2006 - RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!- LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.- YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.- ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.- LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.... Continue Reading Posted at 8:18 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Creative Answering Machine Messages - Part 4 Bill Belew September 22, 2006 - Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need... Continue Reading Posted at 8:00 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep21	You Want A Day Off? Bill Belew September 21, 2006 So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.There are 365 days per year available for work.There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving... Continue Reading Posted at 10:33 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Declaration Of A Copy Machine Bill Belew September 21, 2006 This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need. A special circuit in the machine called a "critical detector" senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine.The "critical... Continue Reading Posted at 10:28 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Creative Answering Machine Messages - Part 3 Bill Belew September 21, 2006 - Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.- "Hi. Now you say something."- "Hi, I'm not at my desk... Continue Reading Posted at 8:57 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Office Wisdom - Part 7 Bill Belew September 21, 2006 - We put the "k" in "kwality."- 2 days without a human rights violation.- Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"- We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in... Continue Reading Posted at 8:56 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Office Terminology - Part 3 Bill Belew September 21, 2006 - PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.- GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already... Continue Reading Posted at 8:17 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep20	My 2 Cents Bill Belew September 20, 2006 Gross pay: $1222.02Income Tax244.40 Outgo Tax45.21 State Tax61.10 Interstate Tax5.89 County Tax6.11 City Tax12.22 Rual Tax4.44 Back Tax1.11 Front Tax1.16 Side tax1.61 Up Tax2.22 Down Tax1.11 Knickknack Tax1.98 Hackensack Tax3.93 Thumbtax0.98 Carpet Tax0.69 Snack Tax8.32 Surtax3.46 Ma'am Tax3.46 Parking Fee5.00... Continue Reading Posted at 10:26 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Creative Answering Machine Messages - Part 2 Bill Belew September 20, 2006 - This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when. - I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at... Continue Reading Posted at 8:55 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Office Wisdom - Part 6 Bill Belew September 20, 2006 - If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.- The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.- Doing a job RIGHT the first... Continue Reading Posted at 8:53 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Ruin A Job Interview - Part 8 Bill Belew September 20, 2006 PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.PERSONAL INTERESTS: Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: -Education: College, August 1880-May 1984. - Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse. -Develop and recommend an annual... Continue Reading Posted at 8:39 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Office Terminology - Part 2 Bill Belew September 20, 2006 - PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The damn thing blew up when we threw the switch.- TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.- THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED... Continue Reading Posted at 8:15 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep19	Creative Answering Machine Messages - Part 1 Bill Belew September 19, 2006 - I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.- HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if... Continue Reading Posted at 8:51 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Christmas and Your Office Bill Belew September 19, 2006 Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.... Continue Reading Posted at 8:48 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Ruin A Job Interview - Part 7 Bill Belew September 19, 2006 SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: - Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. - My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no... Continue Reading Posted at 8:38 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Five Maxims of Making Excuses - Part 4 Bill Belew September 19, 2006 Five Maxims of Making Excuses1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries... Continue Reading Posted at 8:23 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Office Terminology - Part 1 Bill Belew September 19, 2006 - A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.- EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.- CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION... Continue Reading Posted at 8:13 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep18	The New Sales Man Bill Belew September 18, 2006 A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?""Yes,... Continue Reading Posted at 1:44 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Four Executives from Canada, America, Germany and Japan Bill Belew September 18, 2006 Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together. On the second tee they hear a phone ring.The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "O.K. buy 100 shares," the Canadian tells the other... Continue Reading Posted at 1:34 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Late For Work Bill Belew September 18, 2006 The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect... Continue Reading Posted at 8:48 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Ruin A Job Interview - Part 6 Bill Belew September 18, 2006 JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: - While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as... Continue Reading Posted at 8:36 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Five Maxims of Making Excuses - Part 3 Bill Belew September 18, 2006 Five Maxims of Making Excuses1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries... Continue Reading Posted at 8:21 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep17	The Best Excuse For Speeding Bill Belew September 17, 2006 A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.As the... Continue Reading Posted at 8:45 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Deductive Reasoning Bill Belew September 17, 2006 Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving." New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."Neighbor 1: "So, what is it you do for a living?" New Neighbor:... Continue Reading Posted at 8:43 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Ruin A Job Interview - Part 5 Bill Belew September 17, 2006 REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: - Responsibility makes me nervous. - They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as... Continue Reading Posted at 8:34 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Five Maxims of Making Excuses - Part 2 Bill Belew September 17, 2006 Five Maxims of Making Excuses1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries... Continue Reading Posted at 8:16 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Universal Corporate Translator - Part 2 Bill Belew September 17, 2006 - "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"We have no time to train you. (and/or)Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.- "NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:"Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.- "IMMEDIATE OPENING:"The person who had this job gave notice a... Continue Reading Posted at 8:04 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep16	Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs - Part 2 Bill Belew September 16, 2006 - For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.- Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.- His wings are pinned to his bare chest- When... Continue Reading Posted at 8:53 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	3 MBAs from UCLA, Stanford and USC Bill Belew September 16, 2006 The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting.... Continue Reading Posted at 8:26 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Five Maxims of Making Excuses - Part 1 Bill Belew September 16, 2006 Five Max

Sep30	Kidneys for Brains Bill Belew September 30, 2006 Know More: A Woman Walks into An Office 2.0, A Woman Walks into An Office The teacher asked her students if anyone knew the answer to 2+2, they had three tries or they would not get recess. The first kid said "Uh, 14? "No," the teacher said. The second kid said "3.8" "Not quite" the teacher said. Finally the third kid said "That's easy, 4" "Yes, you all get recess now". At the playground the kids asked how did he know the answer and he said "It's all about the Kidneys!" as he pointed to his head. Posted at 11:02 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep30	But Doctor, you said... (Part 3) Bill Belew September 30, 2006 Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records. Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of... Continue Reading Posted at 11:00 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	2 dumb fishermen Bill Belew September 30, 2006 2 dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling... Continue Reading Posted at 10:45 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Totally Useless Info - Part 3 Bill Belew September 30, 2006 - Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 - Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. - Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70% - Average life span... Continue Reading Posted at 10:14 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	The Difference Between Me and My Boss - Part 2 Bill Belew September 30, 2006 - When I please my bossI'm ass-kissing- When my boss pleases his bossHe's co-operating - When I do goodMy boss never remembers- When I do wrongHe never forgets... Continue Reading Posted at 8:28 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep29	If Airlines Sold Paint Bill Belew September 29, 2006 Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60... Continue Reading Posted at 11:09 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	But Doctor, you said... (Part 2) Bill Belew September 29, 2006 Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records. Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of... Continue Reading Posted at 10:57 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Totally Useless Info - Part 2 Bill Belew September 29, 2006 - Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4 - Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12 - Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% - Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% - Estimated... Continue Reading Posted at 10:10 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Help Me, Doctor! - Part 3 Bill Belew September 29, 2006 Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?Doc: I never make rash promises!Doctor, Doctor I keep... Continue Reading Posted at 10:02 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	60-year-old atient Bill Belew September 29, 2006 A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way,... Continue Reading Posted at 8:12 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep28	But Doctor, you said... (Part 1) Bill Belew September 28, 2006 Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records. Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of... Continue Reading Posted at 10:53 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Timberland Bill Belew September 28, 2006 A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to... Continue Reading Posted at 10:49 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Artist Competition Bill Belew September 28, 2006 Bob: Hey, Bill did you hear about the artists who held a competition?Bill: No? How did it turn out?Bob: It was a draw.... Continue Reading Posted at 10:47 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Totally Useless Info - Part 1 Bill Belew September 28, 2006 - Coca-cola was originally green. - Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury. - Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever. - Dumbest dog: Afghan - Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. - Men can read smaller print... Continue Reading Posted at 10:04 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Help Me, Doctor! - Part 2 Bill Belew September 28, 2006 Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.Then you'll have a bad headache.Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!Doc: When did this start?Well first I created... Continue Reading Posted at 10:01 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep27	Help Me, Doctor! - Part 1 Bill Belew September 27, 2006 Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.But I'm not allowed up on the couch!Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!Doc: Do... Continue Reading Posted at 9:59 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	WARNING: Puns Ahead! - Part 2 Bill Belew September 27, 2006 Love ' em or hate ' em, it ' s Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try ' em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell... Continue Reading Posted at 9:55 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Stupid Questions Asked of Park Rangers - Part 3 Bill Belew September 27, 2006 Carlsbad Caverns National Park...- How much of the cave is underground?- So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?- Does it ever rain in here?- How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?- So what is... Continue Reading Posted at 9:48 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	More Job Evaluations - Part 6 Bill Belew September 27, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR... Continue Reading Posted at 8:36 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Corporate Travel Guidelines - Part 5 Bill Belew September 27, 2006 Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Miscellaneous: All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual... Continue Reading Posted at 8:06 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep26	WARNING: Puns Ahead! - Part 1 Bill Belew September 26, 2006 Love 'em or hate 'em, it's Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try 'em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be prepared for... Continue Reading Posted at 9:49 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Stupid Questions Asked of Park Rangers - Part 2 Bill Belew September 26, 2006 Denali National Park (Alaska)...- What time do you feed the bears?- Can you show me where the yeti lives?- How often do you mow the tundra?- How much does Mount McKinley weigh?Mesa Verde National Park...- Did people build this, or... Continue Reading Posted at 9:46 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Management Quotes - Part 3 Bill Belew September 26, 2006 - Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the... Continue Reading Posted at 8:51 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	More Job Evaluations - Part 5 Bill Belew September 26, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR... Continue Reading Posted at 8:34 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Corporate Travel Guidelines - Part 4 Bill Belew September 26, 2006 Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Entertainment: Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contracts, the customer should be encouraged... Continue Reading Posted at 8:05 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep25	Stupid Questions Asked of Park Rangers - Part 1 Bill Belew September 25, 2006 Grand Canyon National Park...- Was this man-made?- Do you light it up at night?- I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?- So where are the faces of the presidents?Everglades National Park...- Are the alligators... Continue Reading Posted at 9:44 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Management Quotes - Part 2 Bill Belew September 25, 2006 - My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.- My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.- He's... Continue Reading Posted at 8:48 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	More Job Evaluations - Part 7 Bill Belew September 25, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR... Continue Reading Posted at 8:38 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	More Job Evaluations - Part 4 Bill Belew September 25, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR... Continue Reading Posted at 8:32 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Corporate Travel Guidelines - Part 3 Bill Belew September 25, 2006 Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Meals: Meals expense are cut to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that some grocery chains provide free samples... Continue Reading Posted at 8:03 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep24	Management Quotes - Part 1 Bill Belew September 24, 2006 - Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".- Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going... Continue Reading Posted at 1:44 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Excuses For Missing Work - Part 2 Bill Belew September 24, 2006 - I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.- I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead- The voices told me to clean all the guns today.- The dog ate my car... Continue Reading Posted at 8:56 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Corporate Travel Guidelines - part 2 Bill Belew September 24, 2006 Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Lodging: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas... Continue Reading Posted at 8:22 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	More Job Evaluations - Part 3 Bill Belew September 24, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR... Continue Reading Posted at 8:19 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Creative Answering Machine Messages - Part 6 Bill Belew September 24, 2006 - Hello, this is Susan. I don't work here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and... Continue Reading Posted at 8:07 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep23	Corporate Travel Guidelines - part 1 Bill Belew September 23, 2006 Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately. Transportation: Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees... Continue Reading Posted at 8:59 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Excuses For Missing Work - Part1 Bill Belew September 23, 2006 - I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,... Continue Reading Posted at 8:55 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	More Job Evaluations - Part 2 Bill Belew September 23, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR... Continue Reading Posted at 8:54 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	So, Who's Workin? Bill Belew September 23, 2006 The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed... Continue Reading Posted at 8:42 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Creative Answering Machine Messages - Part 5 Bill Belew September 23, 2006 - Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?- This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.... Continue Reading Posted at 8:04 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep22	More Job Evaluations - Part 1 Bill Belew September 22, 2006 Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR... Continue Reading Posted at 8:51 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Whose Job Is It? Bill Belew September 22, 2006 This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but... Continue Reading Posted at 8:40 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Exerise For The Nonathletic Bill Belew September 22, 2006 Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. Beating around the bush -75Jumping to conclusions - 100Climbing the walls - 150Swallowing your pride - 50Passing the buck - 25Throwing your... Continue Reading Posted at 8:36 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Office Terminology - Part 4 Bill Belew September 22, 2006 - RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!- LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.- YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.- ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.- LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.... Continue Reading Posted at 8:18 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Creative Answering Machine Messages - Part 4 Bill Belew September 22, 2006 - Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need... Continue Reading Posted at 8:00 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep21	You Want A Day Off? Bill Belew September 21, 2006 So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.There are 365 days per year available for work.There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving... Continue Reading Posted at 10:33 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Declaration Of A Copy Machine Bill Belew September 21, 2006 This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need. A special circuit in the machine called a "critical detector" senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine.The "critical... Continue Reading Posted at 10:28 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Creative Answering Machine Messages - Part 3 Bill Belew September 21, 2006 - Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.- "Hi. Now you say something."- "Hi, I'm not at my desk... Continue Reading Posted at 8:57 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Office Wisdom - Part 7 Bill Belew September 21, 2006 - We put the "k" in "kwality."- 2 days without a human rights violation.- Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"- We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in... Continue Reading Posted at 8:56 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Office Terminology - Part 3 Bill Belew September 21, 2006 - PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.- GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already... Continue Reading Posted at 8:17 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep20	My 2 Cents Bill Belew September 20, 2006 Gross pay: $1222.02Income Tax244.40 Outgo Tax45.21 State Tax61.10 Interstate Tax5.89 County Tax6.11 City Tax12.22 Rual Tax4.44 Back Tax1.11 Front Tax1.16 Side tax1.61 Up Tax2.22 Down Tax1.11 Knickknack Tax1.98 Hackensack Tax3.93 Thumbtax0.98 Carpet Tax0.69 Snack Tax8.32 Surtax3.46 Ma'am Tax3.46 Parking Fee5.00... Continue Reading Posted at 10:26 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Creative Answering Machine Messages - Part 2 Bill Belew September 20, 2006 - This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when. - I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at... Continue Reading Posted at 8:55 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Office Wisdom - Part 6 Bill Belew September 20, 2006 - If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.- The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.- Doing a job RIGHT the first... Continue Reading Posted at 8:53 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Ruin A Job Interview - Part 8 Bill Belew September 20, 2006 PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.PERSONAL INTERESTS: Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: -Education: College, August 1880-May 1984. - Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse. -Develop and recommend an annual... Continue Reading Posted at 8:39 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Office Terminology - Part 2 Bill Belew September 20, 2006 - PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The damn thing blew up when we threw the switch.- TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.- THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED... Continue Reading Posted at 8:15 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep19	Creative Answering Machine Messages - Part 1 Bill Belew September 19, 2006 - I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.- HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if... Continue Reading Posted at 8:51 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Christmas and Your Office Bill Belew September 19, 2006 Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.... Continue Reading Posted at 8:48 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Ruin A Job Interview - Part 7 Bill Belew September 19, 2006 SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: - Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. - My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no... Continue Reading Posted at 8:38 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Five Maxims of Making Excuses - Part 4 Bill Belew September 19, 2006 Five Maxims of Making Excuses1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries... Continue Reading Posted at 8:23 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Office Terminology - Part 1 Bill Belew September 19, 2006 - A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.- EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.- CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION... Continue Reading Posted at 8:13 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep18	The New Sales Man Bill Belew September 18, 2006 A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?""Yes,... Continue Reading Posted at 1:44 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Four Executives from Canada, America, Germany and Japan Bill Belew September 18, 2006 Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together. On the second tee they hear a phone ring.The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "O.K. buy 100 shares," the Canadian tells the other... Continue Reading Posted at 1:34 PM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Late For Work Bill Belew September 18, 2006 The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect... Continue Reading Posted at 8:48 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Ruin A Job Interview - Part 6 Bill Belew September 18, 2006 JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: - While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as... Continue Reading Posted at 8:36 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Five Maxims of Making Excuses - Part 3 Bill Belew September 18, 2006 Five Maxims of Making Excuses1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries... Continue Reading Posted at 8:21 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep17	The Best Excuse For Speeding Bill Belew September 17, 2006 A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.As the... Continue Reading Posted at 8:45 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Deductive Reasoning Bill Belew September 17, 2006 Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving." New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."Neighbor 1: "So, what is it you do for a living?" New Neighbor:... Continue Reading Posted at 8:43 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	How to Ruin A Job Interview - Part 5 Bill Belew September 17, 2006 REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: - Responsibility makes me nervous. - They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as... Continue Reading Posted at 8:34 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Five Maxims of Making Excuses - Part 2 Bill Belew September 17, 2006 Five Maxims of Making Excuses1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries... Continue Reading Posted at 8:16 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Universal Corporate Translator - Part 2 Bill Belew September 17, 2006 - "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"We have no time to train you. (and/or)Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.- "NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:"Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.- "IMMEDIATE OPENING:"The person who had this job gave notice a... Continue Reading Posted at 8:04 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
Sep16	Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs - Part 2 Bill Belew September 16, 2006 - For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.- Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.- His wings are pinned to his bare chest- When... Continue Reading Posted at 8:53 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	3 MBAs from UCLA, Stanford and USC Bill Belew September 16, 2006 The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting.... Continue Reading Posted at 8:26 AM \| Permalink \| Comments
	Five Maxims of Making Excuses - Part 1 Bill Belew September 16, 2006 Five Max

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