
« August 2006 | Main | October 2006 »
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Sep30
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Sep30
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Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records. Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of...
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2 dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling...
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- Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 - Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. - Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70% - Average life span...
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- When I please my bossI'm ass-kissing- When my boss pleases his bossHe's co-operating - When I do goodMy boss never remembers- When I do wrongHe never forgets...
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Sep29
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Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60...
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Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records. Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of...
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- Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4 - Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12 - Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% - Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% - Estimated...
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Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?Doc: I never make rash promises!Doctor, Doctor I keep...
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A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way,...
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Sep28
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Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records. Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of...
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A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to...
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Bob: Hey, Bill did you hear about the artists who held a competition?Bill: No? How did it turn out?Bob: It was a draw....
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- Coca-cola was originally green. - Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury. - Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever. - Dumbest dog: Afghan - Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. - Men can read smaller print...
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Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.Then you'll have a bad headache.Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!Doc: When did this start?Well first I created...
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Sep27
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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.But I'm not allowed up on the couch!Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!Doc: Do...
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Love ' em or hate ' em, it ' s Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try ' em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell...
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Carlsbad Caverns National Park...- How much of the cave is underground?- So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?- Does it ever rain in here?- How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?- So what is...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Miscellaneous: All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual...
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Sep26
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Love 'em or hate 'em, it's Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try 'em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be prepared for...
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Denali National Park (Alaska)...- What time do you feed the bears?- Can you show me where the yeti lives?- How often do you mow the tundra?- How much does Mount McKinley weigh?Mesa Verde National Park...- Did people build this, or...
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- Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Entertainment: Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contracts, the customer should be encouraged...
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Sep25
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Grand Canyon National Park...- Was this man-made?- Do you light it up at night?- I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?- So where are the faces of the presidents?Everglades National Park...- Are the alligators...
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- My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.- My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.- He's...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Meals: Meals expense are cut to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that some grocery chains provide free samples...
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Sep24
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- Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".- Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going...
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- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.- I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead- The voices told me to clean all the guns today.- The dog ate my car...
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Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Lodging: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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- Hello, this is Susan. I don't work here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and...
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Sep23
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Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately. Transportation: Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees...
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- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed...
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- Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?- This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine....
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Sep22
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but...
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Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. Beating around the bush -75Jumping to conclusions - 100Climbing the walls - 150Swallowing your pride - 50Passing the buck - 25Throwing your...
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- RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!- LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.- YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.- ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.- LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken....
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- Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need...
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Sep21
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So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.There are 365 days per year available for work.There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving...
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This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need. A special circuit in the machine called a "critical detector" senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine.The "critical...
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- Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.- "Hi. Now you say something."- "Hi, I'm not at my desk...
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- We put the "k" in "kwality."- 2 days without a human rights violation.- Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"- We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in...
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- PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.- GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already...
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Sep20
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Gross pay: $1222.02Income Tax244.40 Outgo Tax45.21 State Tax61.10 Interstate Tax5.89 County Tax6.11 City Tax12.22 Rual Tax4.44 Back Tax1.11 Front Tax1.16 Side tax1.61 Up Tax2.22 Down Tax1.11 Knickknack Tax1.98 Hackensack Tax3.93 Thumbtax0.98 Carpet Tax0.69 Snack Tax8.32 Surtax3.46 Ma'am Tax3.46 Parking Fee5.00...
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- This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when. - I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at...
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- If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.- The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.- Doing a job RIGHT the first...
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PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.PERSONAL INTERESTS: Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: -Education: College, August 1880-May 1984. - Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse. -Develop and recommend an annual...
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- PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The damn thing blew up when we threw the switch.- TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.- THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED...
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Sep19
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- I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.- HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if...
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit....
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SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: - Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. - My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no...
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Five Maxims of Making Excuses1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries...
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- A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.- EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.- CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION...
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Sep18
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A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?""Yes,...
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Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together. On the second tee they hear a phone ring.The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "O.K. buy 100 shares," the Canadian tells the other...
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The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect...
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JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: - While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as...
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Five Maxims of Making Excuses1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries...
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Sep17
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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.As the...
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Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving." New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."Neighbor 1: "So, what is it you do for a living?" New Neighbor:...
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REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: - Responsibility makes me nervous. - They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as...
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Five Maxims of Making Excuses1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries...
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- "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"We have no time to train you. (and/or)Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.- "NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:"Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.- "IMMEDIATE OPENING:"The person who had this job gave notice a...
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Sep16
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- For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.- Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.- His wings are pinned to his bare chest- When...
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The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting....
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