Business humor and jokes, including humorous stories, experiences, and articles |
« August 2006 | Main | October 2006 »
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Sep30
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Sep30
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Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records. Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of...
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2 dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling...
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- Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 - Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. - Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70% - Average life span...
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- When I please my bossI'm ass-kissing- When my boss pleases his bossHe's co-operating - When I do goodMy boss never remembers- When I do wrongHe never forgets...
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Sep29
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Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60...
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Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records. Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of...
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- Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4 - Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12 - Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% - Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% - Estimated...
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Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?Doc: I never make rash promises!Doctor, Doctor I keep...
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A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way,...
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Sep28
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Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records. Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of...
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A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to...
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Bob: Hey, Bill did you hear about the artists who held a competition?Bill: No? How did it turn out?Bob: It was a draw....
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- Coca-cola was originally green. - Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury. - Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever. - Dumbest dog: Afghan - Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. - Men can read smaller print...
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Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.Then you'll have a bad headache.Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!Doc: When did this start?Well first I created...
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Sep27
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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.But I'm not allowed up on the couch!Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!Doc: Do...
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Love ' em or hate ' em, it ' s Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try ' em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell...
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Carlsbad Caverns National Park...- How much of the cave is underground?- So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?- Does it ever rain in here?- How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?- So what is...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Miscellaneous: All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual...
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Sep26
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Love 'em or hate 'em, it's Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try 'em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be prepared for...
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Denali National Park (Alaska)...- What time do you feed the bears?- Can you show me where the yeti lives?- How often do you mow the tundra?- How much does Mount McKinley weigh?Mesa Verde National Park...- Did people build this, or...
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- Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Entertainment: Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contracts, the customer should be encouraged...
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Sep25
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Grand Canyon National Park...- Was this man-made?- Do you light it up at night?- I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?- So where are the faces of the presidents?Everglades National Park...- Are the alligators...
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- My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.- My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.- He's...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Meals: Meals expense are cut to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that some grocery chains provide free samples...
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Sep24
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- Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".- Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going...
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- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.- I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead- The voices told me to clean all the guns today.- The dog ate my car...
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Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Lodging: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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- Hello, this is Susan. I don't work here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and...
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Sep23
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Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately. Transportation: Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees...
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- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,...
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed...
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- Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?- This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine....
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Sep22
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Almost everyday at my lunch break I go to Jamba Juice right down the street from my office, which is also about a hop, skip and a jump from the headquarter of Oracle. I hence made a friend from Oracle's HR...
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This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but...
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Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. Beating around the bush -75Jumping to conclusions - 100Climbing the walls - 150Swallowing your pride - 50Passing the buck - 25Throwing your...
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- RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!- LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.- YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.- ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.- LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken....
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- Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need...
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Sep21
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So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.There are 365 days per year available for work.There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving...
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This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need. A special circuit in the machine called a "critical detector" senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine.The "critical...
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- Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.- "Hi. Now you say something."- "Hi, I'm not at my desk...
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- We put the "k" in "kwality."- 2 days without a human rights violation.- Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"- We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in...
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- PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.- GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already...
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Sep20
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Gross pay: $1222.02Income Tax244.40 Outgo Tax45.21 State Tax61.10 Interstate Tax5.89 County Tax6.11 City Tax12.22 Rual Tax4.44 Back Tax1.11 Front Tax1.16 Side tax1.61 Up Tax2.22 Down Tax1.11 Knickknack Tax1.98 Hackensack Tax3.93 Thumbtax0.98 Carpet Tax0.69 Snack Tax8.32 Surtax3.46 Ma'am Tax3.46 Parking Fee5.00...
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- This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when. - I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at...
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- If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.- The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.- Doing a job RIGHT the first...
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PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.PERSONAL INTERESTS: Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: -Education: College, August 1880-May 1984. - Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse. -Develop and recommend an annual...
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- PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The damn thing blew up when we threw the switch.- TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.- THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED...
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Sep19
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- I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.- HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if...
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit....
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SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: - Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. - My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no...
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Five Maxims of Making Excuses1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries...
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- A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.- EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.- CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION...
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Sep18
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A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?""Yes,...
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Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together. On the second tee they hear a phone ring.The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "O.K. buy 100 shares," the Canadian tells the other...
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The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect...
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JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: - While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as...
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Five Maxims of Making Excuses1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries...
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Sep17
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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.As the...
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Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving." New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."Neighbor 1: "So, what is it you do for a living?" New Neighbor:...
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REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: - Responsibility makes me nervous. - They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as...
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Five Maxims of Making Excuses1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries...
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- "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"We have no time to train you. (and/or)Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.- "NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:"Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.- "IMMEDIATE OPENING:"The person who had this job gave notice a...
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Sep16
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- For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.- Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.- His wings are pinned to his bare chest- When...
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The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting....
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Five Maxims of Making Excuses1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries...
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Once upon a time, an American company and a Japanese company decided to have competitive boat race on the Bear River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they both felt as...
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- "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION":You'll be making under $6 an hour.- "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY":You're paid under $6 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.- "AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY":There's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.- "PROFIT-SHARING...
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Sep15
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____________________UniversityTo: Professor____________________ From: __________________I think my grade in your course, ___________________, should bechanged from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.______2. The person whose paper I copied...
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- All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares- In between "May I" and "have your attention" there's a 45 minute pause.- He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!"- Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia- His co-pilot: Robert Downey...
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- You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run. - You go to parties that police don't raid. - Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you...and they're no longer "adults" - they are your peers. - You don't know...
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- Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.- A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.- When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.- INDECISION is the key to...
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- When I take a long timeI am slow- When my boss takes a long timeHe is thorough - When I don't do itI am lazy- When my boss doesn't do itHe is too busy- When I do something without...
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Sep14
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A fellow is going on tour of Dalian latex factory.At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise."The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide."The...
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- You're not carded anymore. - You carry an umbrella. - You learn that bachelor is a nice term for "jackass". - "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be. - "Twenty-something" means...
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- Plagiarism saves time.- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.- Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. - We waste time so you don't have to.- Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!...
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TO: All Employees FROM: Human ResourcesIt has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who...
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Chocolate Chip Cookies:Ingredients:1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO33.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O116.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O117.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein9.)...
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Sep13
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- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the...
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One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.On the...
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How to Keep A healthy level of insanity and drive your co-workers insane: - Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." - Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." - Finish all...
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- Your salary is less than your tuition.- Your potted plants stay alive.- Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.- You have to pay your own credit card bill.- Mac & Cheese no longer counts...
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TO: All Employees FROM: Human ResourcesIt has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who...
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Sep12
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will...
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After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is:Basketball.2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is:Bowling.3. The sport...
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For those of you who may need it...A Prayer for the Stressed!Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those...
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Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example... - Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when...
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TO: All Employees FROM: Human ResourcesIt has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who...
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Sep11
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How to Keep A healthy level of insanity and drive your co-workers insane: - Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat...
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Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example... - Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in...
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- IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.- IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often...
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- SALMON WEEK - The experience of spending an entire week swimming upstream only to die, and someone else get the benefit.- 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document...
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TO: All Employees FROM: Human ResourcesIt has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who...
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Sep10
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A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her...
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How to Keep A healthy level of insanity and drive your co-workers insane: - Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.- Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an...
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Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example... - An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed...
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- IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.- IN PRISON...You get your own toilet. AT WORK.....You have to share.- IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit. AT...
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- ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the admini-sphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.- DILBERTED - To be exploited and...
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Sep 9
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- Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.- Make up nicknames for all your coworkers...
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This is an actual job application someone submitted for KFC: APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENTNAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the...
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- IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.- IN PRISON...You get three meals a day. AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal...
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- TREEWARE - Printed computer software/hardware documentation.- CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CEB - Career Ending...
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Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example... - Ford had a similar problem in Brazil...
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Sep 8
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When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the...
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Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example... - The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem...
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BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and...
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Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air. No one knows your secret place. ou are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall...
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How to Keep A healthy level of insanity and drive your co-workers insane: - Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."- Dont use any punctuation in your emails- Ask people what sex they are. When they answer, say...
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Sep 7
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How to Keep A healthy level of insanity and drive your co-workers insane: - Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)- Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.- Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're...
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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker...
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Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as United Airline mechanics in Atlanta. Well, not any more. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.Bud said,...
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Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example... - In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi...
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The following ads acutally appeared in newspapers: - FOR RENT: 6 room hated apartment - WANTED: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink - OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING. They are simply the tops. - AND...
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Sep 6
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A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He...
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The following ads acutally appeared in newspapers: - DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 - FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. - NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your...
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Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example... The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered...
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- A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. - Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't follen asleep yet. - Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? - How do I set a laser printer...
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Two guys and a USPS worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus,...
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Sep 5
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The following ads acutally appeared in newspapers:- ILLITERATE ? Write today for free help. - AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again. - DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is...
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Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI) . It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had...
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Brought to you by - Lectric Law Library: Dear Sir;I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for...
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- PBS mind in an MTV world. - Allow me to introduce my selves. - Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. - Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. - Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. - I'm...
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Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."Immediately the husband drove...
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Sep 4
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Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."Bill says, "OK, I`m pretty...
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While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors.A guy went to his financial adviser at Washington Mutual and ask if he were worried.He replied that he slept like...
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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:- Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:...
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- No, my powers can only be used for good. - You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication. - Who me? I just wander from room to room. - Do I look like a people person? - I started out with nothing...
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- A telephone call comes in for you. It's from your wife. Your side of the conversation goes like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?"- When the interviewer assumes you're not interested in conducting the interview any further, you promptly respond,...
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Sep 3
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- Say you are not interested because the position pays too much. - While the interviewer is on a long-distance phone call, you take out a copy of Penthouse, and look through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.- During the interview, an alarm...
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- "I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands."- "The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot!" - "They told me at...
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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he...
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- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. - Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. - I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. - It's a thankless job, but I've got a...
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Federal Express and UPS merge to become -FED UP.Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become - Fairwell Honeychild.3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become-3...
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Sep 2
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- "Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout again!"- "I wasn’t sleeping! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."- "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"- "I was...
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- State that, if you were hired, you would demonstrate your loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on your forearm.- Interrupt to phone your therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.- When asked about your hobbies, you stand up and start tap dancing around office.- Claim...
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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: - From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are...
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John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become -Deere Abi.Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become -Zip Audi Do Da.Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become -Honey I'm Home.Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge...
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- I don't work here. I'm a consultant. - It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. - You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. - I have plenty of talent and vision. I just...
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Sep 1
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Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become - Hale Mary Fuller Grace.Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become -Polly-Warner-Cracker.3M and Goodyear merge to become -MMMGood....
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A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.The...
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- Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.- Wear a Walkman and say you can listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.- Abruptly excuse yourself, return to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece. - Ask...
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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:- "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in...
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- How about never? Is never good for you? - I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. - I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. - I'll...
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