AManWalksIntoAnOffice

TheMadVlad.com: Effective Email Marketing

2007-05-13T06:36:28Z

Marketing to Internet users is a difficult task. They are a savvy, discerning bunch who prefer their own research to the hard sell. There are ways to get around the cynicism of this group with free advertising, by becoming part of the MadVlad.com safelist of online marketers.

TheMadVlad.com has built a network of hundreds of active safelist users who are prepared to receive each other’s marketing promotions via email, with many of those promotions converting into sales. Before joining MadVlad.com’s safelist of advertisers, read their rules and disclaimers. Check out these testimonials from actual users!

Don’t be a spammer, start your effective email campaign today using TheMadVlad.com.

kmmad

Hogzilla II

2007-01-09T05:59:28Z

FAYETTEVILLE, Ga. - A giant wild hog boasted to be bigger than the near-mythical "Hogzilla" caught in southern Georgia a few years ago has been killed in a suburban Atlanta neighborhood, reported the Associated Press. The hog hung snout down from a tree Friday in William Coursey's front yard, not far from where the avid hunter said he shot the beast. He said he hauled it to a truck weight station, which recorded the hairy hog at 1,100 pounds.

But Coursey believes his behemoth surpasses the famed super swine shot and killed in 2004 that weighed in at half a ton on the farm's scales. A team of National Geographic experts later confirmed "Hogzilla" didn't quite live up to the 1,000-pound, 12-foot hype, saying the beast was probably 7 1/2 to 8 feet long, and weighed about 800 pounds.

Source

600 lb Man's Body Fat Starts Grease Fire

2006-10-28T00:54:10Z

A fire started at a Salt Lake City funeral home when the body fluids from a 600 pound man leaked out during the cremation process.

"In the process, some of the body fat had liquefied and leaked out ... and caused a fire similar to a grease fire," said Scott Freitag, a spokesman with the Salt Lake City Fire Department.

Fire officials stated that the fire got too hot and the man was so large, the liquids spilled out and started a fire.

"The fluids can be very flammable, kind of like a grease fire," said Scott Freitag. "It's been quite some time since we had some leakage like this, but it's not terribly uncommon to have extra smoke or flame from a large body."

Freitag says the funeral home will often call the fire department if it's about to burn a large body.

(This is not a joke, just weird news.)

Kidneys for Brains

2006-10-01T06:02:09Z

The teacher asked her students if anyone knew the answer to 2+2, they had three tries or they would not get recess. The first kid said "Uh, 14? "No," the teacher said. The second kid said "3.8" "Not quite" the teacher said. Finally the third kid said "That's easy, 4" "Yes, you all get recess now". At the playground the kids asked how did he know the answer and he said "It's all about the Kidneys!" as he pointed to his head.

But Doctor, you said... (Part 3)

2006-10-01T06:00:00Z

- The patient has no temperature today. (Really?? The planet Pluto has a temperature!)

- The patient has a questionable cousin with colitis. (Yeah, I have a questionable cousin, too.)

- She slid on some oil and her feet flew out from under her, landing on her left arm and back. (Try to picture that!)

- She was a restrained driver in the back seat.

- The bulldog clamp was removed from the mammary artery and allowed to run for about a minute. (Very active clamp!)

2 dumb fishermen

2006-10-01T05:45:15Z

2 dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits, Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes. paul said, (Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come,) Jim says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat....to mark the spot.... With that paul says, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.

Totally Useless Info - Part 3

2006-10-01T05:14:51Z

- Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

- Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

- Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%

- Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

- Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3

- Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3

- Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 7

- Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%

- Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%

- Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%

- Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5

- Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.

- Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3

- Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon

- Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt

The Difference Between Me and My Boss - Part 2

2006-09-30T15:28:33Z

- When I please my boss
I'm ass-kissing
- When my boss pleases his boss
He's co-operating

- When I do good
My boss never remembers
- When I do wrong
He never forgets

If Airlines Sold Paint

2006-09-30T06:09:45Z

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

But Doctor, you said... (Part 2)

2006-09-30T05:57:51Z

- Excess debris was removed. (And the necessary debris remained.)

- He feels just as tired when he goes to bed as when he gets up in the morning.

- She complains of no hearing loss. (Well, I don't mind not having a hearing loss.)

- (Mothers, you will love this one.) The patient takes care of four children, does not work.

- He has one brother and two half-female siblings.

Totally Useless Info - Part 2

2006-09-30T05:10:33Z

- Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4

- Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12

- Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

- Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

- Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%

- Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33

- Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7

- Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%

- Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%

- City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC

- % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%

- % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%

- % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%

- Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105

Help Me, Doctor! - Part 3

2006-09-30T05:02:49Z

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!
Doc: So what's wrong with that?
I think I'm going to croak!

60-year-old atient

2006-09-29T15:12:21Z

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"

But Doctor, you said... (Part 1)

2006-09-29T05:53:04Z

Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records. Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of these, I'm going to RUN!!!

- The patient denies pregnancy. (And I certainly think he should.)

- She does a lot of work around the house. It is kind of localized in the left buttock area.

- He was not to lift or drive his car.

- For the last 48 hours, the patient was carrying a refrigerator up the stairs. (L-O-O-ONG stairs.)

- An ultrasound was ordered on admission of the left foot. (and the patient came back to visit his foot almost evey day.)

- Father is currently deceased. (So he may come back???)

- She is a small-appearing elderly female. (She only appears small; she's actually 6 foot 2.)

Timberland

2006-09-29T05:49:45Z

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I am sorry, because they all turned me down!!